I’m finding it hard to put into words how it feels to be in the transition stage of living in a new culture. When the newness wares off, and you’re left with life as usual...but it’s not as usual at all! I suppose only others who have gone through this will understand what I’m going to try to explain. These feelings are all very new to me so I’m only just beginning to work them out. Bear with me.
The past few days have been...different. Not bad, please don’t get me wrong, just different. Hmm...
I don’t know if you remember the feeling of your first roller coaster ride? Do you remember moments before getting on, you’re simply excited. Some friends have told you how much fun you’re about to have, and some have warned you against how terrifying your experience will be, telling you it’s not too late to turn back. But since you’re not quite on the ride yet, you’re just thrilled at what lies ahead! You hop on next to a mate who has been on the ride countless times. You get on the ride and you’re smiling, plumb happy, not a care in the world. The straps are locked around you, you see the ride operators signal to each other, and then you suddenly realize the coaster beginning to move. It’s this moment that you realize you’re in a different sort of position. Your emotions have, sort of, washed through your body and are all settling in a jumbled mess in your stomach. You’re in between. You’re locked in. You see the massive climb in front of you, and you get a rush of excitement about that first great hill. But you are not up there yet. You have no idea what this experience will be like. You look down as you slowly click away from your friends who are below, waving and smiling at you. You can’t communicate with them because you’re too far away. You look at your mate next to you. She’s looking straight ahead with confidence, knowing and relaxed in the seat next to you. You look up as you climb, but you haven’t yet reached the top. You are in between.
I was laying in bed last night. Somewhere around 3am. I was worrying about things back home, in America, that I have absolutely no control over. Going over through my mind everything that now seems to be “missing” in my life. Things and people I’ve always had, and conveniences I never thought twice about. I, then, started thinking about all the things here in England that I have no control over and began worrying about them as well. I agonized over my longing for old friends, and for new ones. I prayed for my family. I distracted myself by trying to understand and put into words why I felt the way I did. Explaining to myself that it was a “transitional phase” just as we learned in our intercultural training, and I had an excuse for feeling this way. I was tossing and turning when suddenly God gave me a vision. I have been experiencing this same vision over the past week, but it was only now that I caught it’s completeness.
I am suddenly standing at the very top of a mountain. I see below me the amazing beauty of the vast landscape below. There are rivers and buildings of every color. There are familiar areas and dark areas. Places I’ve been and places I haven’t. I stand there, searching every street with my eyes laid out like a map below, when, quite suddenly, clouds begin to move in from every direction. Clouds cover from far and wide right down to my feet. They cover every color, river, and street below with their gray blanket. For the first time, I look up. A comfort and an amazing weight lifts from me as I gaze into the stillness. At this moment, God speaks to me. He says simply, “I am the same yesterday, today, and forever.”
By saying these words to me, words I’ve read countlessly, God gave me an indescribable sense of relief. I can’t even describe how profound and incredible this moment was! I have been grasping for a feeling of “home” or “belonging” (I don’t know how else to describe it because it’s so much more). Feeling too far from familiar in every direction. Overwhelmed by the sense that I am painstakingly “between” and everything in life keeps changing, God gave me this beautiful reminder. This absolute reality.
When life changes, when your heart breaks, when you lose someone, when the world seems to fall apart, when you’re just grasping for something to hold you up, you have a Father who is always present, a Daddy who will never leave you, a perfect Love that never changes.
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