Identity Reality. A Poem...or something.

Like an unborn baby in the womb, O God, so is your quickening in my spirit. A delight. Unspeakable, but certain.

An unnamed passion that grips my vocal cords, filling my life with untrembled song.
Muscles loosen as a winding stream meets a mighty river.

Your presence, though with the depth of rich, dark chocolate on the tongue. A satisfaction so pure no need is left.
Complete.

But as gaze shifts, reality hits. Waves crash around my feet. I fall.
Fog abounds and surrounds a perfect melody. Discord enters blowing his awful trumpet.

I search for you in the noise of my mind. My humanity. My untamed thoughts tangle in front of your face.
The Earth screams. She battles herself. Tears of joy and laughter, of sorrow and pain.

You remain. Though scarred by her war, you are solid. Unmatched in your strength.

My heart, as it beats within my chest, is your grace consumed with each breath. Gasping but involuntary.

But as sudden as sun, piercing through cloud and chill, brings a shudder through to my soles. My eyes squint and cower. The brightest light.

Your voice. A quiet so deafeningly, comforting.
In a place of confusion, desperation, and loneliness you are the grasp of a mother's steady hand.

Moved. Removed. Planted in stone like an ancient tree, deeply rooted.

Your words drive through my reality like a sharpened blade.

Dividing what is told by what is known. Not 'known' as a passing leaf from a tree, slowly dying.
But declared like a meteorite passing through space, through time.

The identity reality. Where unknown becomes Known.

Let's talk about Luke 18.

As many of you know- Jo, Erika and I meet together as a group of 3 in an aim to keeping each other accountable to spending quiet time alone with Jesus each week. A few weeks ago our reading was Luke 18. As usual I invited Jesus to speak through his word and as I read through it, I started to get the feeling that he wasn't going to say much. Same old stories, different day. It seems I'm always wrong when I feel this way, but none-the-less the feeling comes often. As I got to the end, the story came up where Jesus gives sight to a blind beggar. (verses 35-43)

"As he drew near to Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. And hearing a crowd going by, he enquired what this meant. They told him, “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.” And he cried out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” And those who were in front rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” And Jesus stopped and commanded him to be brought to him. And when he came near, he asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?” He said, “Lord, let me recover my sight.” And Jesus said to him, “Recover your sight; your faith has made you well.” And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him, glorifying God. And all the people, when they saw it, gave praise to God."

It was as I read this that I had an “Ah-hah” moment. I realized suddenly something about this man’s faith. It wasn’t misplaced. It wasn’t his faith that Jesus could make him well that did it, but more his faith that Jesus was the Son of God-or at the very least, sent by God. The beggar said, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” and “Lord, recover my sight!” By these 2 statements it’s clear he believed Jesus was sent by the one true God of David, and that he was putting Jesus into the status of his “Lord”. It was faith in Jesus’ identity over his faith in Jesus’ ability. Though he was blind, he saw Jesus for who he was, and because of that was able to see a different reality. He was able to see the Kingdom of God. A blind man recognized Jesus, and that was enough for his eyes to be opened.

After this “Ah-hah” moment, I re-read Luke 18 and Jesus pulled a veil off of it for me. I saw clearly how Jesus was illustrating this ‘Identity Reality’ over and over again. If our faith isn’t in Jesus’ true identity then we’re still blind to him. We’ll never see his Kingdom and much less ever be able to enter it.

As this thought has been congealing in my mind, I have been forced to examine my own faith in Jesus. Which often times boils down to an ugly truth, as it isn’t faith in Him at all, but faith in myself. Faith in who I think I am as a Christian.
So, let’s go back to verses 9-14. 

"He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’  But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.'"

Here we see two men praying: A “good guy” and a “bad guy”. The first is a man of great moral standing. He’s very obedient to God’s word and careful about the decisions he makes. The other man is of terrible moral character. He is a total mess and has done wrong by many people. Now let’s think about where their faith lies as revealed by their prayers. The "good guy" has faith in himself and what he’s doing right. That’s not hard to see. Therefore, his faith is nothing more than conceit and has nothing to do with God at all. So he’s essentially standing alone in a room talking to himself. But the "bad guy" has made himself a puddle on the floor with no regard for himself at all. “God, be merciful to me, a sinner.” He is not standing alone at all, but at the feet of a savior. He’s regarding himself as nothing and desperately calling on God. To this, Jesus says, “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.” To this I ask, “Exalted how? Only Jesus himself is exalted right?" Then I remember Jesus' prayer in John 17, ”that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.”

Another thing I’m finding as I examine my faith is it’s much easier for me to have faith in Jesus’ ability, like a super-hero, than have faith in him being the God of the Universe and Creator of everything, alive and very very…sometimes painfully, real. He’s not just a nice story.
Let’s move on to verses 18-30.

"And a ruler asked him, 'Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?'And Jesus said to him, 'Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone. (v20) You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery, Do not murder, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour your father and mother.’' And he said, 'All these I have kept from my youth.' When Jesus heard this, he said to him, 'One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.' But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich. Jesus, seeing that he had become sad, said, 'How difficult it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God! For it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.' Those who heard it said, 'Then who can be saved?' But he said, 'What is impossible with men is possible with God.' And Peter said, 'See, we have left our homes and followed you.' And he said to them, 'Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who will not receive many times more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life.'"

Like the Pharisee in the last story, I think the Rich Ruler is desperately hoping that his own actions can save him. His obedience, His own identity. It seems to me that he’s hoping desperately for this, even though he knows in his core that there’s something missing. It’s almost as though Jesus is pandering to him in verse 20. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but maybe it’s because I can identify, in part, with this poor man. Can you identify? Doing all you can, having very practical faith, obeying commands, but ignoring the heart. It’s in our heart, our core, that Jesus sees. That’s where our actual identity lies, our life or our impending death. This is where Jesus’ ‘Identity Reality’ gets a little more painfully real for me. Jesus “brings the sword” so to speak. He cuts through to this young man’s identity. Morality, hard work-perhaps? Sparkling and abundant, riches. Jesus shows this man his identity and calls him to give it up and allow Jesus to carve it out of him, completely and totally, only to replace it with “Follower of Jesus.” ((Have you ever read Voyage of the Dawn Treader? Where Eustace becomes a dragon and then goes through the absolute painful process of Aslan removing his dragon skin? This is kind of like that.))
But the Rich Ruler can’t let go of who he is, and it keeps him from seeing who Jesus truly is. His own identity, who he’s worked so hard to become and who he strives to be, blocks him from seeing Jesus. So he chooses to walk away from Jesus, thus walking away from the Kingdom of God. The Rich Ruler leaves sad, no, he leaves VERY sad because now he knows there’s something he lacks, but he believes that it requires too much for him to let go of. It requires losing his identity.

I read a few weeks ago about a famous study that proved a healthy baby’s cognitive development doesn’t reach the awareness of separation from its mother until about seven months. So, a tiny infant doesn’t even know that it is a separate person from its Mother! We're actually seeing the evidence of this with E at the moment. He has started, for the first time in his life, to get truly upset when I leave his sight. Now, with that in mind, let’s read verses 15-17. 

"Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, 'Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.'"

Jesus knows that a baby, in itself, has no identity except that of its mother. They are absolutely incapable of faith in their own ability because they are unaware of being “their own” so to speak. So what does this reality say about Jesus’ identity and our relation to him as his followers? Or In what way must we become like infants to enter His Kingdom?

Perhaps drawing on the beginning of this chapter will help us answer this question. Jesus is directing this parable to his disciples. Those who, unlike the rich ruler, have left their identities and everything that made them who they are behind to follow him. (Verses 2-8)

"And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. He said, 'In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, ‘Give me justice against my adversary.’ For a while he refused, but afterwards he said to himself, ‘Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.’' And the Lord said, 'Hear what the unrighteous judge says. And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?'”

Identity seems of utmost importance in this parable. The main character is a widow. At the time this was spoken, a widow would have been of the lowest standing in the social order. She is someone without status or importance. He's making a clear point. Then there’s the Judge, a man who had no respect for God and couldn’t care less about any person especially a widow. Jesus then does a flippity-flop. He says, “Will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily.” In saying this, Jesus reveals to his disciples their identity as his followers. They are the elect of God. A stark contrast to the widow! (Not to mention God being of opposie character to the judge!) What does this say about me and you? I hope this challenges your misplaced faith like it has mine.

Ok, so let’s finish with the beginning of my ramble. Let’s go back to the blind man who’s faith gave him sight. The blind man had faith in Jesus’ identity. Others around him tried to quiet him as he proclaimed that faith, but he had nothing to lose and out of his mouth his heart spoke, no, yelled! Jesus saw his heart and that faithful heart unlocked the Kingdom of God. His healing only caused him to glorify God as he began following Jesus. A new creation. With his wholehearted faith in Jesus’ identity he was given a new identity and with that new identity, when “all the people saw it, [they too] gave praise to God.”

I am greatly encouraged by this. Not only are we given opportunity to truly see Jesus if we let go of ourselves, but in seeing him we’re given a new identity, his own status, thus allowing us to enter his Kingdom. The elite and exalted. The light and the salt. And as his light and salt, others will see him and recognize him and will be given opportunity to enter his kingdom. I am also greatly challenged by this as I must leave my identity behind every day. I must have faith in who Jesus truly is and follow him.

Shaken

There's so much pressure on our little ones. There are so many expectations, there is so much comparing, there is so much stimulation. Will they do well in school? Will they be liked? Will they be good at sports, art, music? Will they make healthy decisions? Will they? Will they?!?

Two years old and it's all ready too much. A friend of mine and I were chatting about these pressures the other night and discussing how all this pressure is proving in this generation to produce more children than ever before who are so set on achieving, that they naturally push others down to reach the top. Empathy is dying. Love for our neighbor is being overcome by love for ourselves. And the outcome is not lovely.

"But how do we teach them empathy?" she said. 

What a crucial question among so many other questions. It's a question that brings tears to my eyes. It's a question about love.

Only by example. I'm convinced that there is absolutely no other way to "teach" empathy than to show it by living it. Not sometimes, not only when it comes easy with those who are easy, but just as my dear friend Jesus said, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...and...You shall love your neighbor as yourself." It's a command. THE command, if you will.

And I look to my savior's example. God's very own example. Jesus led his disciples by his example. "Come, follow me, " he said. Not, "come and sit down and listen to me tell you how to live, to be liked, to be better versions of yourself." But "STOP doing what you're doing, leave everything else behind, and follow me." His disciples watched. They listened. They ate with him, drank with him. They served with him They came alongside him and participated with him. He lived out what's truly important. He followed his own command. He showed us what love is. He showed us who God is. He showed us who God created us to be. He showed us what love means. And a lot of people didn't like it. A lot of people felt threatened by it. But he didn't stop loving and he lived it out to the point of a shameful, terrible, and unspeakably painful death. (But you can only try to punish perfection. Perfect love cannot be consumed by death. So I'm so thankful that wasn't the end of his story!)

Which is why we get the chance to continue living out his story. We get the chance to obey his command.

We get the chance to "teach" it to our children and our neighbors and anyone who cares to know. But it won't work to say to them, "come and sit down and listen to me tell you how to live, to be liked, to be better versions of yourself." But "STOP doing what you're doing, leave everything else behind, and follow me as I show you who I follow." We get a chance to live out what's truly important!

However, in thinking about all of this I began pouring my life into the Great Heavenly Sifter. (That is not in the Bible, so don't bother looking it up because I just made it up, but I imagine it's a sifter that God himself is holding.) Please forgive me as I speak in metaphor. I'm ridiculous. I imagine that everything in my life that's holding me back from following Jesus' example as sand. So much is lost in it, covered by it. I have begun to pour my life, sand and all, in this sifter and am allowing God to shake me. As he does, His priorities are beginning to rise to the surface. The sand has taken up so much space! And a lot of that sand is my favorite. It's actually not easy and often times painful to let it fall through. Ok, enough with the metaphor. But let's face it. There are lots of things that get in the way. There are a lot of burdens that we carry, "harmless" stuff that holds us back, and many of our priorities hinder us from following Jesus. There was a lot the disciples had to leave behind.

The truth is, without Jesus example, I'm left just grasping at straws trying to do my best. The blind leading the blind. And without letting him shake me, well, I'm just fooling myself in all this sand. 

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.”

Sucker Punch

Do you ever have one of those days where there is just an excited feeling in the depths of your guts? No, I’m not pregnant. But I do feel like there’s new life bubbling within me. No, it’s not gas. 

Anyways…

“God is good.” Something we say, and sometimes really mean, but I guess it’s that, I can feel it. And not the sort of feeling you get when you open a new box of chocolates, endless opportunity, and they’re all there looking so lovely and un-fingerprinted simply waiting. No. Not even the squishy, squashy, giddy feeling you get when you peer into the eyes of a new baby. No, more like the feeling of a fresh gust of perfectly clement, sunshiny wind sweeping over you, closed eyes, deep breath, trees whooshing in your ears and feet solid, steady, held fast on the ground. Yeah, and maybe the feeling is more about the feet than the wind and the sunshine. Ok, maybe I sound like a loon. But I’m getting it.“God is good.” And not because he’s given me an incredible family and beautiful friendships, not because I have the things I need and so much I’ve wanted. No, not because of anything. But just because He is. And it isn't even a feeling. It's a reality. 

A few years ago when things seemed ever changing and unsteady. When I felt tossed around like a boat on angry waters. God said something to me. Not a shout or a whisper, and not into my ears, but into my heart like a sucker punch. The good kind that stuns you for a second but then clears your head. (Not that I've ever had the experience of being punched in a good way, but I can imagine...) This "word" from God wasn’t completely out of nowhere because I was listening…per se. Actually, maybe it was more that I was taking a breath after a long talk at him. I cried. I told him all about the waves and my little boat. He politely let me finish. Then he said, “Sydni, I am the same, yesterday, today and forever.” It might not sound like much to you, but you didn’t hear him say it. It quite literally changed everything for me.
Since that day a few years ago, I’ve pondered that moment we had. That moment when suddenly the waves around me quieted, and my little boat seemed to anchor. And after so many years of jollily saying, “God is good.” I heard my stunned and maybe even a bit fearful voice say, “Who is this God? Even the winds and the waves obey him!” (Matt 8:27) A defining moment. A reality check.
Because it was in that moment that I noticed something. He’s in my boat. No, not that I didn’t know he was there, and not that he hadn’t been there since I can remember. It was more that I had let him sleep while I did all the boat-y stuff until it got to the point of sinking. (I think I need to abandon the whole boat metaphor now because I don’t really have a clue of what people actually do on a boat, i.e., “boat-y stuff”. Guess I’ll “jump ship!” Haha! Wow. Ok…)
So since that day, there have been major storms, so to speak. But something has changed. 

My feet. 

I know we’re back in Loony Town with that one, but stick with me for a second. I can look back and see how I would run to God over and over and over. He was more like someone who I went to for the advice I needed, or the warm hug, or even the sucker punch, but I seemed to somehow find myself “running back to him”. The other thing that changed is who he is to me. He’s Jesus, he's God. Not a story book character or even a great historical figure, but a reality. (This is actually extremely profound. Do you need to re-read it? Or maybe you have to experience it. Yeah, that's probably it.) Anyways when I say "a reality" I don't mean just someone I can sit next to and talk to, but God! It's like this. I knew with my brain and even excitedly shouted to other people when they asked. I knew all about him. Where he liked to eat, who his friends are. I quoted him and wore his Tshirt, but I needed to follow him, obey him, and know him from there. My feet don't have to run back and forth anymore.
It’s funny because it was only too recently that I understood how his disciples, though they had been with him day in and day out through all sorts of miracles and talks, could still say, “show us the Father, and that will be enough for us.” (John 14:8) Before, I couldn’t get passed how ridiculous that was. How could they ask to see God when he was standing right in front of them?!
Now, I get it.

Let me tell you about my week.

Thursday.

*Deep sigh* Why are we here, God? My heart is longing for family. It's raining. Delia is growing so fast, and did I mention it's raining? What are we even doing? Are you sure it's here that we're meant to be? 

I have got to clean this flat. 

You want to nurse? Ok, come here Sweet Baby. ERRRG!

I have got to call about this lip tie! I can't take it anymore. Another plugged duct. Where will the money come from though? What should we do, God? Are you SURE we should be here? Oh, it's raining.

I miss family.

Maybe we shouldn't be here.

Maybe we shouldn't be here? Ugh...

I can't sleep. 

Friday.

"Yes, I need to make an appointment for a lip tie revision." "Thank you, yes, I can pay the deposit!" (Hallelujah, God you provided that! Thank you for our friends who just gave us the money specifically for that!) "It's how much on the day? Blimey!" *deep breath* "Well, actually, let's wait. Thank you. Yes, I'll call back to confirm with the deposit later."

It's raining again. 

God, why are we here? 

Nick, do you know why we're here? Should we be? Maybe not. PRAYING! 

*Load on my shoulders crashes to the floor* 

I really need to clean this flat. 

Seriously? Rain again? 

Not much sleep. Thinking. 

Saturday.

Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done. On earth as it is in Heaven. That sounds so nice. Come on.

Lovely, a bit chilly, going next door to make elderflower cordial with my precious neighbour, 

car ride, Aldeburgh.

"Dog! Ruff Ruff!", "Yes, that's a dog! Ruff Ruff!", burger and chips, "Bird!", "Ok, momma can nurse you.", I can't wait to get this lip tie taken care of! Seaside, stones and precious family, how big the sea is!

Thank you for Nick and Delia! Oh, what a beautiful day. Car ride, sleeping baby.

Rain? Oh well, at least we're inside now. 

Forgive me God. It's not about me. 

Goodnight.

But really. Why are we here?

Can't sleep...that horrible song from middle school, "Should I stay or should I go now...." over and over. and over. 

Sunday. Sun. Son. Music, dancing, ball in the park. I love this place.

But this flat is a mess!

Quiet Sunday night. Sleeping baby. Cup of tea. Nice...Oh crap, I'm meant to do the story for Little Lights (D's playgroup) tomorrow! Jesus Storybook Bible, what have you got for me? *flipping through pages*

Ok God, what story should we tell? 

Oh,  this one has nice pictures! "How to pray" (from Matthew 6). 

"'But it's not because you're so clever, or good, or so important, that God will listen to you. God listens to you because he loves you. Did you know that God is always listening to you? Did you know that God can hear the quietest whisper deep inside your heart, even before you've started to say it? Because God knows exactly what you need even before you ask him,' Jesus told them."

Brilliant, but perhaps not quite right...but maybe another time when I have more prep time. Yes. Brilliant. *flip* "The Singer" (from Matthew 6, 9, and Luke 12). Brilliant! I need a snack. (Oh, Lord, who am I?-I just pronounced 'banana' like a Brit...again.)

"Jesus said, 'you are more important than birds! More important than flowers! The birds and the flowers don't sit and worry about things. And God doesn't want his children to worry either. God loves to look after the birds and the flowers. And he loves to look after you, too.'...'Jesus knew that God would always love and watch over the world he had made-everything in it-birds, flowers, trees, animals, everything! And, most of all, his children." 

Hmmm...I think I ought to read that again.

Rain. Rain. Oh good, the flowers are really loving all this rain. 

Sleep.

Monday.

Little Lights. Storytime. Lovely.

I really need to call and confirm that appointment for D's lip/tongue tie revision. But we don't have enough cash!

Yes, I know You provided the deposit...but...

"Yes, hello, I have the deposit payment ready." Done. Booked. Oh, hello, Uncertainty.

Rain. 

"Did you know that God is always listening to you? Did you know that God can hear the quietest whisper deep inside your heart, even before you've started to say it?"

Rain.

We're here. Somehow. Ugh... 

"you are more important than birds! More important than flowers! The birds and the flowers don't sit and worry about things."

Homemade elderflower cordial with my neighbours. God, thank you for my neighbours. They are really on your heart, and you've put them on mine. God you really know what you're doing don't you. Have you ever tasted anything so lovely?! 

Sleep.

Tuesday.

Stuff. Meeting. Chat. SomeOne says something about Jesus warning the people about doing good things to be seen by others. My ears perk. You know the verse? Your reward will be their praise. If that's what you're seeking, then that is your reward. You've got it. Done. Rewarded. However, if you do good in secret. It's God that will see it, and it's He who will reward you. Right. I wonder where that is in the bible? Game, set, match!...but I don't like tennis. 

Are you serious? They want to raise our rent. And pay what? Admin fees to sign for another year? Seriously? Ugh. Money. I can't believe it's been almost a whole year in this flat. Thank you for providing this flat. I guess you do that. Provide.

Oh, and it's so nice and clean.

SomeOne comes for dinner. Praying! Talking about fasting while eating? Haha. Touché.

More stuff. 

Ok, so seriously, are we really meant to be here? God? We will go, do, stay, whatever you want. Forgive us. It's not about us. 

Stuff.

Sleep. Wake. Sleep. Wake. Sleep. Wake. (the life of a momma) Oh, my poor nipples. It will be so good to get that lip tie taken care of.

Wednesday.

Today. Rain. Meet to read with fellow workers. Today we're going to read Matthew 6. 

*Reading*...are you serious?!...*reading*...this looks familiar...*reading*...Yep, yep, haha yes, ok. Yes. Brilliant. 

Cup of tea. 

LOTS of reasons to stay here. God you are amazing. You really do listen. Ok. *deep breath*

Chat with friends. You want to give us what? For the lip tie revision? Seriously? Oh man. Thank you! 

God? Thank you. Thank you!

Rain. 

Oh, the flowers are starting to open!

Pumpkin Spice Latte

It is another cloudy day and my eyes are failing to open all the way. Autumn is closing in on us and the air seems to whisper, "curl up, go to sleep..." which is very tempting, but God is whispering something quite different to my heart.

Last Sunday, Nick stayed in to play with Delia while I went to Starbucks to enjoy a Pumpkin Spice Latte with God. After taking my first sip (utter delight!) and opening my journal and my Bible I suddenly realized that I had no plan for what I was going to read. Normally, I have some sort of guide or passage that I'm going to study and pray through, but today, nothing. So I looked across the table at the empty seat and sighed. "Ok God," I wrote in my journal, "I'm expecting you to speak to me through scripture, but you're also going to have to give me the scripture you want me to read."

Sometimes, in moments like this, I'm tempted to let the pages of The Good Book fall open and say, "This must be what you want me to read, God." But not today. It felt cheap to waste such a lovely moment filled with Pumpkin Spice. "I'll just sit here and drink my latte and wait for you. Ok?"

I stared around me at the people of Starbucks. The 2ish year old that kept passing by with her lollipop of marshmallows covered in white chocolate and sprinkles. The tired mother that followed her asking, "Do you really need to go to the toilet this time?" She must not have been sure, because she went by 2 more times as I waited for God to say something. Oh, lovely latte. Pumpkin anything is VERY rare here. The P.S. latte at Starbucks was introduced for the first time here last year as a trial. It turns out (Hallelujah) that the U.K. liked it enough to bring it back this year! However, they didn't advertise it at all. I had to go in and ask for it as though it were a black market item.

"My latte is gone, and you haven't given me a scripture yet." I wrote in my journal. And as quick as a cricket, God said clearly, "Psalm 24, 11 and 12" Great! I opened my Bible app (Yes, I have finally entered the age of the iPhone) "beep, bop, boop" there isn't a verse 11 or 12 in Psalm 24. I closed my Bible app. Awesome. "Thanks for nothing, God." Ok, I must have made that up in my head. I'll wait again. Marshmallow Lolli's older brother passes by with his wooden stir stick that has turned into a drumstick on every surface available. He stared at me as he passed. I smiled at him. He stared at me. How very British, I thought.

"Psalm 24, 11 and 12" came quite clearly again. Isn't that the same thing He said a few minutes ago when I thought I heard Him, but I must not have since that doesn't exist!? Opening my Bible app, I found that it was true. Psalm 24 only goes to verse 10. "I'll just read the whole of 24 then. Ok?" Good grief, God, you'd think you'd know your own book to know there isn't a verse 11 or 12 in Psalm 24. The words from verse 7-10 jumped off the page at me.

⁷ Lift up your heads, you gates;
    be lifted up, you ancient doors,
    that the King of glory may come in.
⁸ Who is this King of glory?
    The Lord strong and mighty,
    the Lord mighty in battle.
⁹ Lift up your heads, you gates;
    lift them up, you ancient doors,
    that the King of glory may come in.
¹⁰ Who is he, this King of glory?
    The Lord Almighty—
    he is the King of glory.

"What gates? What ancient doors?" I thought a minute. Well, maybe He means my eyes and heart or something poetic like that.

The night before, on the way home from a friend's birthday dinner, we passed by the ancient Roman wall that encircles Colchester Town Centre. We talked about how amazing it was that it was being built while Paul was still out preaching the good news. We then started talking about how old our home is. It was around before the Star Spangled Banner! That's pretty old for us American folk.

It shouldn't seem too surprising then that upon re-reading these verses, immediately the picture of the front of our house flashed into my mind. ("I know that you gave us our new, old home to use for the building of your kingdom. Father, please show me what to do and how to open our gate and our door to you...") The worn black gate at our entrance and the "ancient" blue door towering behind it...and then the worn silver '11' quietly resting upon our door. "Get to know number 12," He said clearly. I'll give you a second to think about this, (it took me a minute after he said this...)

Are the butterflies going in your stomach as they were and are in mine as I recall this conversation? Psalm 24, 11 and 12.
Needless to say, I went home to see if there was a number 12 in our building. Which there is. So, I made cupcakes and last night we knocked on all the doors of our neighbors introducing ourselves with our sweet offering of friendship. Only 2 of the 4 other flats' doors were answered and I think the man at the top flat who answered initially thought we were some kind of crazy (which my English friends warned me would happen if I did such a crazy thing as to knock on stranger's doors with cupcakes), but then he seemed to realize we're just Americans and that must be why. And I'm quite excited to report that, on Monday, number 12 is coming over.

"Thank you for your many blessings. You ARE God!"

Back, but not unpacked...

Since we returned to Colchester, we've been staying with our good friend, Jess. We are so thankful that she's let us crash into her home and fill it with ourselves and all things Delia. As I look around her living room/dining area (which is not a large space by any means), I see baby socks and a stuffed owl on the coffee table, diaper bag next to the chair, burp cloth on the sofa, car seat by the door, stand and play activity center by the dining table, a diaper changing station/play blanket on the floor sprinkled with toys, stroller in the corner, snot sucker, pacifier and baby lotion on the dining table and Delia's pj's that she wore last night on the bean bag.

Our lives have spilled out all over her house, and she has been gracious enough to allow it. But on August 27th this will change, and Jess will get her house back! We found a home right in the town centre of Colchester. The town centre is where the life of Colchester is. Its beating heart, if you will. When we first moved here almost 3 years ago and people would say they were "going into town" or "meet me in town" or "you'll have to go into town to do that," I would get confused because I thought that being inside Colchester meant that you were already in town. Not the case, the town centre is where it all happens, and God is giving us a home within it. (Well actually, if you want to be super technical, it's about 3 steps outside of it. :)

When we first returned, we thought we knew where we were going to live. A friend of ours had been planning on moving out of the country for a few years and offered to rent her house out to us. We were very excited about this. Our plans of a house church and Alpha courses seemed perfect for the space her house offered. However, this fell through as they decided that moving wasn't right for them at this time. So, we went on the hunt for the future Brooke home. We prayed that God would direct us to the place of his choice and not too long into our hunt we were directed by the "letting agent" to a place on East Hill. We hadn't planned on looking at this place as it's out of our price range, but the letting agent said to view it, and if we like it to make an offer. "You don't know if you don't ask." So we viewed it and it was absolutely perfect! The kitchen and living room area are absolutely perfect for a house church and Alpha courses! The location is unbelievable, and it has everything we need! (except for furniture. So a thrifting we will go.) After looking at several more places we realized quite clearly that we needed to make our offer on the place on East Hill. We made our offer with bated breath and a prayer-as well as the prayers of all our friends. The call came back very quickly with a positive reaction. We got it!
It was then that we began wondering what our new place's past was. After seeing it, we noticed the front of the building has a plaque of a shepherd with a sheep. A friend was able to find the history, and it turns out that it used to be a refuge for women and children called "The House of the Good Shepherd". Can you believe that our new home has Jesus on the front!? Unbelievable.

So anyways, God is good and he's provided perfectly as he always does. We can't wait to move in, and begin settling into the first home of our own we've had since we left Colchester 10 months ago. Jess will get her house back and will no longer be woken up by Delia's midnight rants about the frustrations of an almost 6 month old.

Anyone have a spare couch?

We're baaaack...

Before we left, our family on Nick's side threw us a going away party complete with a large cake! Which was delicious by the way, and I've been jonesing for some more cake ever since. The cake is pictured above, and I have to share it with you because I think you'll find it interesting, as we did, that England and Alaska are sometimes considered to be the very same place.
We are already missing our family very much but are so glad to be home.

Yes, we're back in Colchester, England. When we got here we immediately noticed something very strange, and we initially thought we had gotten off the plane in the wrong country. But it turns out that the strange thing is only just the hot and shining sun and we are, in fact, in the correct place. Something happened to the weather while we were gone, and we haven't seen rain nor clouds since we got here a week and a half ago. So, we immediately went out and got 2 fans, and we're now sporting slight sunburns.

Nick spent last week in Birmingham starting his MA in Missional Leadership. After a week of classes from dawn 'til dusk, he attended a days long conference put on by Alan Hirsch on Saturday. He even got to eat lunch with Alan. Needless to say, he came home buzzing with thoughts and excitement about what God is up to in England.

Delia and I have been meeting up with old friends and figuring out what Colchester is like for a nursing mummy with a buggy (or a stroller) and no car. We've also accomplished somewhat of a sleep schedule and have spent a lot of time outdoors. We even got the opportunity to go to the zoo with some friends! Though I was much more excited about the animals than she was. Delia is enjoying meeting all the new people in her life, and I'm thanking God for the happy, social baby He's given us.

Tomorrow, we're meeting with our friend who will be renting out her home to us while she's out of the country for a couple of years. Right now, we're staying with our friend, Jess. We're very thankful for her letting us stay with her, and Delia is happy to finally meet her Auntie Jess. However, we are very much looking forward to moving into our house next month! It will be the first time we've lived alone as a family since we left Colchester 8 months ago!

Well, I'll keep this short and sweet since Delia is taking a nap and that doesn't usually last very long.
But first I want to share this verse from Isaiah that has been ringing in my head as Delia and I have been walking around Colchester.

"For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands." (55:12)

We're looking forward to the plans He as for us and for the U.K. in these next years.

Believing is seeing... (from April 9, 2012)

Happy Easter! What a beautiful cold, cloudy, and rainy day yesterday was!
We got to celebrate and share in the baptisms of 5 friends. As one of them told her story before going into the water, God whispered...no, that isn’t the right term. God shouted at me (that’s better) through her words.
Remember in John 14 when 5 Thomas said to Jesus, “Lord, we do not know where you are going; so how can we know the way to get there?”
6 Jesus answered him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one goes to the Father except by me.7 Now that you have known me,” he said to them, “you will know my Father also, and from now on you do know him and you have seen him.”
8 Philip said to him, “Lord, show us the Father; that is all we need.”
I listened as my friend spoke the truth about her life including pain, loneliness and unforgiveness, as well as her meeting Jesus only months ago. She proclaimed the huge change that is taking place in her heart because of Jesus. How healing and love, forgiveness and hope are replacing those previous feelings of brokenness. I sat there humbled as God brought to my memory many friends I’ve recently had the privilege of seeing God transforming for the best. 

Right after Jesus says to Philip (basically), “You know me! You’ve spent all this time with me.  You’ve seen me perform miracles, you’ve heard me speak only Truth, you’ve gone on this great journey with me and have experienced my love. You know me, therefore, you know God and have seen him!” Philip says, “Lord, show us God. Then we can know for sure.” I always read this and think, Seriously Philip? Were you listening at all?! Oh Philip, you’re so slow. Poor, silly Philip.
[Insert great big sigh] I am so much like Philip. I say it too, and often. “God! Show me God so that I can believe.”
As I listened to my friend, and as God reminded me of person after person after person I’ve gotten to watch meet Jesus, get to know him, and literally see God transforming them for the best, I was greatly humbled. “Open your eyes, Sydni,” He seemed to be saying.
God never stops working. When we miss him, it’s only because we aren’t looking.

Trust... (From October 24, 2011)

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.”
(Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV)

I have found that learning (or living) the definition of the word ‘trust’ is somewhat tricky. Some days I feel like I’ve finally figured it out, and other days it feels like it’s lost in the wash.

Trust: Reliance. Hope. Confidence in the certainty of......(thank you dictionary.com)

Do I really trust God with all my heart everyday, all the time? Oh, I can answer that question quite simply. Nope.

Some days I go out in the morning with gusto. I talk about God all day, and I share what He’s doing in my life with others. I read the Bible with someone, and I do my best to explain it when they have questions, and then I go home feeling so exhausted...no, more than exhausted. I feel beat up. I kick my shoes off, sit down, and without a smile on my face I think, “What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like I’ve just run a marathon in the wrong shoes?” It’s usually then that I realize that I didn’t trust God at all today. It’s not because I didn’t want to. It was because I was too busy trusting myself to even ask for His guidance or opinion in the matters I faced. No wonder I feel so tired. I’ve been trusting myself all day and leaning on my own understanding as I went. 

Thank goodness these days are becoming fewer and far between. It seems I’m slowly learning this verse that I’ve been hearing and reading since I could hear and read. God wants me to trust him in every moment. He wants me to ask his opinion and listen to his leading all the time. God wants me to not worry about what I can’t even get my own head around, he just wants me to trust him. God wants me. Yes! That’s what it is I think. He’s not a mean father that wants us to ‘do what you’re told and don’t ask questions!’ No, I’m certain that He wants us to trust in him and acknowledge him and not lean on our own understanding of things because he wants to see us on a straight path. Because that path leads to joy even on a rainy day. That path leads to hope even when all seems lost. That path leads to God himself. He wants us. He loves us.

 So, now I’m sitting here wondering why I’ve just written this post. It isn’t flowery or that nice to read, is it? (please keep your answer to yourself)

 Oh well. There it was. Perhaps you’ve been struggling with days like I’ve had, and that’s why I wrote this all for everyone to read? 

God wants you to trust him. Because he’s the only one who knows how to make your path straight.

--Sydni


Scotland and N.T. Wright (From September 29, 2011)

At the end of August I, Nick, in part of The History Maker Foundation, took four lads to Scotland. THMF gives "disadvantaged" young people the opportunity to experience outdoor adventure. Here's a bit of background before I tell you about the trip itself: Joel, the ginger-headed kid on the left in the picture above, was best-mates with a young man named Joey. Joey loved both Jesus and the outdoors and was able to share both of his passions with a lot of young people while working at an outdoor retreat called Compass Christian Centre in Scotland. Joey's life was cut tragically short in a climbing accident a few years ago. Shortly after we moved here, Joel said he would like to get a group of guys together and take them to Compass. So over the past several months, Joey’s family, the founders of THMF, worked very hard to make Joel’s goal happen. But it was up to us to find the right guys to take on the trip. While all this was beginning to take shape, another charity called Go4 Enterprises started with the goal to help employ these same "disadvantaged" young people. It made perfect sense that these two charities work together. Go4 provides the lads and THMF provides the funding.

I’m worried that the term "disadvantaged" young person may not be clear. This is often a term used to describe young men and women who have grown up in an unstable environment, or had very limited family structure. Many of them get addicted to drugs, develop alcohol problems, and often times into legal troubles. So you can imagine how hard it would be to find a job in a country where 1 in 5 are unemployed and your background is less than stellar. You can also imagine how difficult it would be to stop the destructive lifestyle without both family and hope.

Ok, on with the story of the trip. At 5 a.m on a Monday we loaded up in the mini bus and began our 9 hour trek towards the middle of nowhere Scotland. In a one day trip, I was able to drive about 2/3 of the length of the U.K. When we arrived the lads were surprised to learn that there would be no cell phone service, internet, or t.v. It was only us in the hills with a bunch of cows, goats, and sheep. Our first day there, we were led on a full day hike up three munros (a munro is a class of mountain peaks). It was a great way to start our week. It put us to the test which revealed our true personalities. None of us really knew each other all that well before the trip, which added another challenge. During the first two days, we all kind of stuck close to the ones we felt most comfortable with. Joel stuck with me, Liam and Chris stayed together, and Alfie floated between the two. It was difficult to break the ice, and I was beginning to fear it was never going to happen. After a nine hour drive, two days of hiking countless miles, and being stuck together in the lodge with only ourselves to entertain us, we decided to go do something familiar to us all, go to the pub.

The most important thing we can do as Christians who are concerned about sharing the love of Christ with others is not to invite them to church, but to meet them on neutral ground. It wasn’t until our night at the pub that the ice finally broke. I got to learn about their upbringing, their goals, and their beliefs. After that night, during the remainder of the trip we all clicked. The next day we did some rock climbing and abseiling (repelling) and there was plenty of joking and teasing each other. A sign that we were beginning to not only feel comfortable with one another we actually liked each other enough to put one another down. I’m convinced that none of that would have happened had we not gone to our neutral ground. Since returning home, I have been able to stay in touch with these guys. Although, there is no way they would go to church with me, just yet, they are more than happy to meet me at the pub.

Now, for the N.T. Wright bit.......
A couple nights ago, I got to hear two lectures and meet N.T. Wright. I don’t think I’ve ever been more intimidated to meet someone before. If you’re not familiar with his work, he is one of the the intellectual elites in theology,and one of my heroes. Although he seems to be a very nice man, I couldn’t help but think that every word that was coming out of my mouth must sound so stupid to this guy. So thanks again to my insecurities, I really didn’t get to enjoy meeting him. He was very gracious and signed a couple of books for me, and as far as I could tell, never once rolled his eyes at me or gave me any impression that he thought I was a waste of space. After all, I’m sure that’s what I would have done if I were as smart as he is.

Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.“ (John 11: 25-26) (From April 26, 2011)

This past week marked two great events in history: Easter of course, and the other, my mom’s birthday. God did something brilliant. And my mom knew it.

Just now, I stood looking out the window, squinting into the sun. After shaking the hair from my face as the wind from the open windows blew it gently into my eyes, I saw something amazing. There’s a tree across the street that has been staring towards our window all winter long, just like a corpse hopelessly seems to stare without seeing. Since we moved in, this tree, naked and lifeless, has stood there protesting against the gray sky as if quietly waiting. Today, as I look out, the tree is dancing. It’s branches are swaying to the music of the wind. Covered in a snow of white blossoms amidst a sea of new green leaves, it’s dancing. And as it does, it’s sending petals on the wind down the street. It seems to be sharing its beauty with the whole of Victoria Road as petals glide down the gutters and cover the ground around it.

Why do I celebrate Easter? Nope, not for the Cadbury eggs...(but that doesn’t mean I don’t take full advantage of them as they sit next to the cash register each spring). I celebrate Easter because more than 2,000 years ago my God, as flesh, took my place. As cause demands effect and as sin demands justice, Jesus accepts the worst death imaginable as punishment for the hurt and wrong I’ve done. Then, if that wasn’t enough, (and no, it wasn’t enough) Jesus defeated death! He shook off his mummy wrap and left his tomb. And if that wasn’t enough, (that’s right we’re still going here) my God did this so that I may have this same life that He now lives. A life that never dies! His living body ascended to heaven, but he sent his spirit to live within me. He offered and I accepted. I celebrate because He lives. He lives in me.

I (Jesus) came that you may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. (John 10:10-11)
Why do I celebrate my mom’s birthday? Because my mommy taught me this historic story. She didn’t teach it to me with just words, but with her life. Sometimes when she would talk about Jesus it sounded so corny and silly to me, but she had something, she lived and breathed something...I couldn’t put my finger on it...but I knew that it was something undeniably different and very much real. My mother had the abundant life that Jesus spoke about. She shared it with everyone she knew. It overflowed out of her. You could say that she introduced me to Jesus and I was very shy for a while and unsure of Him, but I couldn’t deny that He was absolutely real. She spoke to me about Him and I had to squint and push my hair out of my eyes. I could feel Him as she danced through life dropping petals even at the hardest of times.

This tree outside our front window reminded me of the life that Jesus gave me when I asked Him for it. It hangs on me like millions of pure white flower petals. It is whispered with every beat of my heart, and it dances with each windy breath. I must let the petals fall. There is an abundance for a reason. It comes from the giver of life Himself. Full life without end. I must share it too.

Send in the clouds... (from February 1, 2011)

I’m finding it hard to put into words how it feels to be in the transition stage of living in a new culture. When the newness wares off, and you’re left with life as usual...but it’s not as usual at all! I suppose only others who have gone through this will understand what I’m going to try to explain. These feelings are all very new to me so I’m only just beginning to work them out. Bear with me.

The past few days have been...different. Not bad, please don’t get me wrong, just different. Hmm...

I don’t know if you remember the feeling of your first roller coaster ride? Do you remember moments before getting on, you’re simply excited. Some friends have told you how much fun you’re about to have, and some have warned you against how terrifying your experience will be, telling you it’s not too late to turn back. But since you’re not quite on the ride yet, you’re just thrilled at what lies ahead! You hop on next to a mate who has been on the ride countless times. You get on the ride and you’re smiling, plumb happy, not a care in the world. The straps are locked around you, you see the ride operators signal to each other, and then you suddenly realize the coaster beginning to move. It’s this moment that you realize you’re in a different sort of position. Your emotions have, sort of, washed through your body and are all settling in a jumbled mess in your stomach. You’re in between. You’re locked in. You see the massive climb in front of you, and you get a rush of excitement about that first great hill. But you are not up there yet. You have no idea what this experience will be like. You look down as you slowly click away from your friends who are below, waving and smiling at you. You can’t communicate with them because you’re too far away. You look at your mate next to you. She’s looking straight ahead with confidence, knowing and relaxed in the seat next to you. You look up as you climb, but you haven’t yet reached the top. You are in between.

I was laying in bed last night. Somewhere around 3am. I was worrying about things back home, in America, that I have absolutely no control over. Going over through my mind everything that now seems to be “missing” in my life. Things and people I’ve always had, and conveniences I never thought twice about. I, then, started thinking about all the things here in England that I have no control over and began worrying about them as well. I agonized over my longing for old friends, and for new ones. I prayed for my family. I distracted myself by trying to understand and put into words why I felt the way I did. Explaining to myself that it was a “transitional phase” just as we learned in our intercultural training, and I had an excuse for feeling this way. I was tossing and turning when suddenly God gave me a vision. I have been experiencing this same vision over the past week, but it was only now that I caught it’s completeness.

I am suddenly standing at the very top of a mountain. I see below me the amazing beauty of the vast landscape below. There are rivers and buildings of every color. There are familiar areas and dark areas. Places I’ve been and places I haven’t. I stand there, searching every street with my eyes laid out like a map below, when, quite suddenly, clouds begin to move in from every direction. Clouds cover from far and wide right down to my feet. They cover every color, river, and street below with their gray blanket. For the first time, I look up. A comfort and an amazing weight lifts from me as I gaze into the stillness. At this moment, God speaks to me. He says simply, “I am the same yesterday, today, and forever.”

By saying these words to me, words I’ve read countlessly, God gave me an indescribable sense of relief. I can’t even describe how profound and incredible this moment was! I have been grasping for a feeling of “home” or “belonging” (I don’t know how else to describe it because it’s so much more). Feeling too far from familiar in every direction. Overwhelmed by the sense that I am painstakingly “between” and everything in life keeps changing, God gave me this beautiful reminder. This absolute reality.

When life changes, when your heart breaks, when you lose someone, when the world seems to fall apart, when you’re just grasping for something to hold you up, you have a Father who is always present, a Daddy who will never leave you, a perfect Love that never changes.

By faith, he went out... (from January 3, 2011)

“And he went out, not knowing where he was going.” (Matt 11:8)

I just want to share with you what I read today that pertains to the verse above by Oswald Chambers:
   “Have you been “out” in this way? If so, there is no logical statement possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the difficulties in Christian work is the question--”What do you expect to do?” You do not know what you are going to do; the only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually revise your attitude towards God and see if it is a going out of everything, trusting in God entirely.”
(My Utmost for His Highest)

By faith, knowing that God knew what he was doing, “Noah built a ship in the middle of dry land” and “Abraham said yes to God’s call to travel to an unknown place that would become his home. When he left he had no idea where he was going.” and “Barren Sarah was able to become pregnant, old woman as she was at the time, because she believed the One who made a promise would do what he said.” (Now, I love this part) “That’s how it happened that from one man’s dead and shriveled loins there are now people numbering into the millions.” Hebrews 11:8-12

We have all these examples where people “went out” without anything but their faith in God’s plan fueling their steps. One of the most amazing things to me is that...well, instead of putting it in my own words,
“Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? they saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back any time they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that--heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them.”
Hebrews 11:13-16

I don’t know about you, but reading these people’s stories makes my spirit stir within me. We all have “going out” to do. God is calling each of us to move forward with complete trust in Him and nothing else. Who knows where your faith could take you, who cares? The one thing is sure, it will take you deeply into His care.

We are excited to see what unfolds in this new year. We are ready to trust God to be our grand tour-guide through England. We are expecting to see more clearly through His eyes as we peer more deeply into His message.

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace (from December 29, 2010)

I just finished watching the “The Nativity” put on by the BBC this year, and I have to admit, I’m a little shaken up. I started watching it a few nights ago (it’s 4 episodes long), and to be brutally honest, I really hated it. It drove me crazy that Mary’s parents practically offered Joseph a cup of tea and a biscuit upon inviting him in to talk about his and Mary’s betrothal. I thought, oh come on, what a joke! This isn’t even close to what it must have been like! I had a hard time with everyone being very white and British. A blue eyed Joseph with an American playing the angel, Gabriel. But somewhere God must have softened my heart a little because I began to get lost in the story. I began seeing the people in a completely different light. This young girl, barely a woman, is told that she will give birth to the Son of God after the Holy Spirit comes upon her, and the power of the Most High overshadows her. Not only that, but she’s a virgin! So, what does she do? She accepts it. She trusts God. Mary, you’re so brave!
And then Joseph, you know the girl that you recently became betrothed to, and who is to stay a virgin until your wedding? Well, she’s pregnant. Oh, don’t worry though, it was by the Holy Spirit. She’s still a virgin. And what did he do when he was told this in a dream? He believes it. He trusts God. Wow, Joseph.
OK, I know what you’re thinking...”Sydni, haven’t you heard this story before?”
I have, but I think that’s the problem. I’ve heard it, and read it so many times. I even appeared to the shepherds myself as an angel 6 years in a row in our church nativity play. I’ve encountered this story so many times that I’ve forgotten to really pay attention to its truth that directly effects me. Be shaken up with me. It directly effects you too, by the way.
I pray that if I ever have a dream or if God speaks to me through an angel, I will believe and not only just believe, but I won’t be afraid to live it out. God changed the whole world when a couple of people said, “Let it be as you’ve said, Lord.”
And then, we get to the part of the story that had me in tears. Jesus’ birth. When Jesus was born, he was wrapped up in stuff from the rag-bag, and then he was put to sleep in a mass of hay in an animal food trough. If you’ve ever been on a hay-ride and just sat on the stuff for a few minutes, you know that wouldn’t be where you’d want to lay a new born. He wasn’t born in a castle, a temple/church, or even a cozy cottage. This is really significant! He wasn’t born surrounded by rich folk or people of authority. Nope, our God, our Saviour was born in a cow shed where shepherds and non-jewish, eastern scholars were his first visitors.
Are you able to begin really thinking about the childhood story you heard over and over growing up? Thinking of it not as a mere story, but as the origin of your very own abundant life if you know Him?
In Luke 2:19, after spending 9 months as an outcast and a “whore,” after probably being shunned by everyone she knew, after traveling miles from her home and away from all comfort and belonging, after laying in the hay and giving birth to Jesus, after foreign wise-men and dirty shepherds were the first to greet and worship her newborn child, the one she knew to be the Son of God, it says,

“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

Our new home... (from November 10, 2010)

We found our new home today! It's about a 10 minute walk to the town centre, and it's really close to the schools of the teens that we're going to be involved with. We'll be able to move in the first week of December.

It was really funny how we found it. Let me tell you the story! :) As we were walking through the town today, I was praying over and over that God would guide our steps and lead us to where we should go. We realized that we had forgotten the paper with the information of a place we were supposed to go look at this evening. We called David and Janie who had scheduled the appointment and none of us could remember the letting agency it was with, but David said he thought it was on a certain street.  So we found a letting agency on that road, went in, and explained our predicament. The girl was very kind and looked up their schedule, but we weren't on it. It was the wrong letting shop. She asked us if we wanted to see what they had though and we said we'd be happy to see. She asked us a couple of questions, typed our answers into her computer, and said that they had one we might be interested in. As she showed us the pictures it turned out to be one that Nick had really liked on the internet last night. After asking if we could possibly go see it, she rang up the landlord and he said we could come immediately if we wanted. So we did. It's in a beautiful, quiet, neighborhood just outside the town centre. And when we got there the landlord met us and said that if we wanted to take it completely furnished he would be happy to leave anything in it that we wanted. It had really good, clean, quality furniture in it! Including dishes, tables...everything we need! We went back to the agency and talked it over with the letting agent. We asked if they would take 40 pounds less, making it exactly what we planned to pay for a place. He called the landlord and he accepted.

I'm confident to say that it was no accident that we went into the wrong agency. God will lead your steps if you let him!

Taking the Mickey... (from November 7, 2010)

We had an interesting first night here (in the place we'll be staying in until we find a permanent place. It's attached to a family's home). We got here and it was cold, quite cold. It turns out the heater isn't working, and the family was out of town for a birthday party. There's a reset button on the heating unit so the heat works for a few minutes at a time if you keep pressing it. So we pressed it a couple of times hoping to warm it up a little bit.

Then we left and walked to the grocery store where we found a pizza for a £1 (pound)! Sounded like a good idea at the time. We got it home and after figuring out how to use the double oven we popped it in, and Nick opened the IPA he picked up for a treat. The beer was farty. I don't know how else to put it...haha. It smelled like a poop. We pulled out the pizza, cut it, and began to eat. It tasted like cardboard, and ended up having tiny plastic-looking fibers in it. Don’t eat a pizza that only costs a pound. Noted. Luckily we got some biscuits (cookies) that were quite good, and they had the word NICE stamped into each one which made them even better. 

Anyways, after watching some quality UK tele,we went to bed and actually stayed pretty warm with the blankets we had (turned out that one of the bags with our blankets, was left behind at David and Janie's. Woops!) 

This morning, as we tried to shower quickly, one of us sat out in front of the heating unit (which also heats water by the way) and hit the reset button every couple of minutes while the other shouted about the icey water coming out. Quite exciting! But we made it out of the house in time to catch the bus into town for DNA Sunday Church. It was really good to see some of the people we met here 2 years ago as well and many new people.

Afterward, we got to go to our American friends' flat. They arrived here about a month ago so we will get to learn together as we work alongside one another. It was wonderful to chat over lunch about the things they've learned while being here. There are a lot of differences!

This evening we went back to David and Janie's where we got to meet the teens we've been Skyping with the past couple of months! We will be helping them in any way we can with a church they have started once a fortnight (every 2 weeks) in a Barn outside of town. It was so great to finally see them face to face. We talked about the upcoming service they will be putting on this coming Sunday.

Now, we're back at our temporary home pushing the reset button every few minutes trying to keep from seeing our breath. The family got home tonight though, and we got to speak to them about it. They are getting someone as soon as they can tomorrow to come fix it. They are really wonderful people and are a blessing to us in so many ways!

Tomorrow, we're looking at a flat in the morning, going to the bank to open an account so we can get a mobile phone, and stopping at a few letting (renting) agencies to find more leads. We can’t wait to have a phone. We never know what time it is!

Goodnight....more to come.

A daily refreshment... (from July 26, 2010)

The heat has been so heavy these past few weeks.  I can’t help but drink water constantly for relief.  Just so, with the weight of fund raising and the constant whisper of “will we ever leave for England?” squeezing it’s way into the back of my mind, God’s words from Matthew 6 ring in my ears to drown out my selfish discomfort, “seek first my kingdom and my righteousness, and all these things will be added.” Jesus, I’m so thankful your mercies are new every morning! Every day I’m reminded of and am so thankful for the living water that flows through my being.

I wanted to share with you this refreshment God reminds me of each day.

Do you know that feeling when you’re so hungry, and what you begin eating is so good that you can hardly keep yourself from swallowing it before you’ve completely chewed it? That’s how I feel about writing these blog posts sometimes. God’s word and Holy Spirit revelation can be so good at times that I can hardly get a thought clear enough to type it out before I want to take another bite. So I’m going to try really hard to be clear about what I’m about to write by breaking it into smaller bites because I don’t want it to be hard to digest.

When I was little, maybe in 2nd grade or so, my class was learning about habitats.  We were told to write down the basic essentials, absolutely necessary, for a creature, such as ourselves, to live. After a little discussion, we concluded that water was at the very top of the list. How interesting then it is that Jesus refers to the Salvation and The Holy Spirit as living water. “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.” (Jn 7:37-38) This is a pretty beefy announcement. Let’s chew on this for a second. (Yes, I did. :) )

“If anyone is thirsty...” When Jesus stood and proclaimed this, it was the last day of The Feast of Tabernacles, a seven day feast. There is no doubt in my mind that he caught the attention of everyone present. I mean, come on, feasting for 7 days straight would make any person quite thirsty! But he wasn’t exactly talking about a physical thirst, but the dry desert within that knows life is more than this world offers. We long for inner refreshment. The weight of carrying our sins causes us to feel so spiritually thirsty for relief. But Jesus is explaining that there is complete freedom from our burdens of sin! He longs to take the weight if we will just choose to let Him have it and to quench our thirst if we just receive what He’s offering. 

“...let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me...” Jesus is making it clear that this drink, this gift which is Salvation and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, is only available through Him. The acknowledgment and belief in Jesus as the Christ is absolutely crucial. Jesus sacrifice by the coming (at them time this was written) crucifixion, resurrection and exaltation to the right hand of the Father puts only Him in this position to offer such a gift. Absolutely no one else can give such a gift as this, ever. Nobody else, just Jesus Christ. Did I make that clear? Well, I’m going to talk about it more later anyways. 

“...as the Scripture has said...” Jesus is establishing himself to the Jewish people he’s speaking to as the one promised to them by God in their scriptures, the Old Testament. He’s saying look! History shows you I’m Him! He’s the one they’ve all been waiting for. The one you and I have been waiting for. But just like today, there are people who chose not to believe, and thus forfeited the gift of eternal life that’s freely given.

“...streams of living water will flow from within him.” Jesus chose his words carefully. He didn’t say “a still bucket of water will sit quietly inside him,” but water that is moving, alive, that gushes outward from the inside. Those who accept this gift will experience eternal life and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.  They will be different from before; changed from the inside out. Abundant life will flow outward from within them.  The Holy Spirit will take up residence in death’s old home inside them.  This scripture in John is just as relevant today, and Jesus is offering this drink to anyone who hasn’t yet swallowed it.

Nobody else can offer this living water, remember? And why? The gift of salvation is a gift of grace. Not because of anything the people at this feast can do to earn it. Not because of anything you did or can ever do, or anything I did or can ever do, but because of what Jesus did in my place.  Jesus was the perfect sacrifice, willingly dying instead of me for my sins. Instead of you for your sins. Jesus was the only perfect sacrifice. Because He was the only man to live completely without sin, but accepted the death penalty required of sin. He was judged in my place, in your place, and in the place of the people He’s speaking to in this scripture. He was judged and found blameless! So death couldn’t have Him and after being stone cold dead for 3 days, He awoke alive! God accepted His sacrifice in our place, thus giving us the opportunity to have this living water! Don’t accept it, then hold it at arms length, bottoms up! Cheers!

Every morning when the worries of today arise and the anxieties of life stand before me, I have to remind myself that living water flows from within me. I must seek Him first.

Please forgive my poor grammar and punctuation. I’ll have my sister edit these from now on. :)

Ready, set...um... (From March 17, 2010)

When Nick and I were in training, we were challenged to give our “histories” (as Nick has talked about before). When given this assignment, my initial thoughts were, I have nothing exciting to talk about...everyone is going to be bored listening to my history. I remembered hearing different testimonies of previous drug dealers, murderers, strippers who had come to the Lord and had their lives radically changed. Awesome! But that wasn’t me. So, reluctantly, I sat down and started thinking through and writing my life story. It wasn’t long before uncontrollable tears began running down my face and snot poured from my nose. God was whispering in my ear, “Look how I’ve changed you.” My past experiences came back to me like semi trucks ripping through a frozen night. I had forgotten, no, I had locked away so many memories. But God helped me unlock them and write them down. He reminded me of beautiful days and of dark days. “I was there too,” He would seem to remind me as I laughed or cried.

Paul strikes a home-run again in Romans 6:19-23 when he says, “I’m using this freedom language because it’s easy to picture. You can readily recall, can’t you, how at one time the more you did just what you felt like doing--not caring about others, not caring about God--the worse your life became and the less freedom you had? And how much different it is now as you live in God’s freedom, your lives healed and expansive in holiness? As long as you did what you felt like doing, ignoring God, you didn’t have to bother with right thinking or right living, or right anything for that matter. But do you call that a free life? What did you get out of it? Nothing you’re proud of now. Where did it get you? A dead end. But now that you’ve found you don’t have to listen to sin tell you what to do, and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise! A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God’s gift is real life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master.”

As Nick and I wrote our histories, God showed us both that He had always been present. From the very beginning of our lives. Even when we didn’t know Him yet or when we pushed him into the closet and chose our own way. One of the greatest things He illuminated as we wrote out our stories was this: His timeline is perfect. After we shared our histories with our other fellow trainees and teachers, we were told many times things like, “God’s timing in your lives is just amazing to see!”

Today was the day Nick and I had set as our goal date to leave for England. We have been praying that we would have 100% of our financial support in so we could leave today. We have dealt with frustration and discouragement.  We felt like we were failing and God wasn’t hearing our prayers, but He was. Of course He was! It just turns out that God’s answer is, “Don’t you remember that my timing is perfect!”

A couple weeks ago, when I was feeling nervous (as the support storm raged all around us), God brought me to Luke 8. I read the story many of us remember from childhood. It starts with Jesus saying, “Let’s go over to the other side of the lake.” So, the disciples and Jesus get in the boat and begin crossing the lake when Jesus falls asleep. A great wind comes and blows the water around them up like mad. The disciples get so scared that they wake Jesus up in a hurry thinking they were all going to die. So Jesus gets up and speaks to the storm calming everything around them. Then what did He say to the disciples? “Where is your faith?”

God told Nick and I, “Let’s go over to the other side of the [big] lake.” To England, if you didn’t catch that. :) Right now, we’re in the boat. We’ve gotten scared as our timing clashes with God’s timing and a storm seems to rage around us. But God keeps challenging us, “Where is your faith?” Just as the disciples did when the storm around them picked up and they felt its pressure on the sides of their boat, we forget that promise, “Let’s go over to the other side of the lake.”

His timing is perfect. He’s proven that over and over in our lives. We’re going to “the other side of the lake,” and we can’t let the trip cause us any doubt.

His timing is perfect. Thank you God!

A new creation... (from February 15, 2010)

Have you ever seen the show on TBN where Kirk Cameron walks up to random people on the street and asks them if they have ever told a lie, or have ever had an impure thought? The usual answer from these poor, unsuspecting strangers is, “of course I have.” Then Kirk tells them, “that makes you a sinner and unless you ask Jesus into your heart and ask for forgiveness, you’re going to hell.”  I’ve never tried Mr. Cameron’s approach in street ministry and probably never will. It seems a bit too harsh for me.  But is there some truth in what he says? I mean, did Christ have to die because of our lies and impure thoughts? Or was God’s plan for our salvation much bigger than the fact that we’re simply not very good humans? I believe so. I’m convinced, we are all born with an unexplainable, divinely crafted, longing not just to be better humans but a new creation all together.

2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”

When I came to Christ, at the age of 16, I went down to the alter and asked Jesus into my heart fully expecting to be overwhelmed with some life changing, spiritual experience. I was a little disappointed when I finished the salvation prayer and still felt the same. Nothing came over me. No instant relief, no overwhelming sense of joy, no spiritual enlightenment, I still felt very much human. I’ve been a Christian now for 15 years, almost half my life, and I still don’t feel like I’m a new creation. Sure, I’ve had experiences over the years where God has touched me and I know God has made me a better human but I’m still just human, not a new creation. Or have I been a new creation the past 15 years without even realizing it? And what does God mean by “a new creation,” in the first place? Before we can begin to understand this new creation we first need to understand how we were originally created and why we long to be recreated.

Genesis 1:26-28 “Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature... God created human beings godlike.”

First, I think it’s important to note when God says, “Let US make human beings in OUR image...reflecting OUR nature.” Our being plural means it was the Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit all taking part in the creation of the Heavens, Earth, and us. We are created, reflecting the mirror image of God’s nature. Meaning our wants, needs, and desires at their core are the same as God’s wants, needs, and desires. You may be asking, if my desires are the same as God’s than how can God be a good God when my desires seem to be mostly self-centered and perverse? We were created by God from the Earth not created by God from God. (Gen. 2:7) That’s the first major difference, and reason why our desires seem to be a bit skewed compared to our idea of what a good, loving, just, and perfect God’s desires would be. Let’s take a look at the first insight we have into this newly created man, Adam, and maybe it will help explain what I mean.

Genesis 2:18 “It’s not good for man to be alone; I’ll make him a companion comparable to him.”

After Adam is created the next thing God says is, “it’s not good for man to be alone.” Keeping in mind that this story is about God more so than Adam it gives us a good idea of the empathy God shares with man, a longing for companionship. “I’ll make him a companion comparable to him.” God formed all the animals and birds the same way he formed man, from the dust of the Earth and gave Adam the job of naming each one. (:19-:20) Notice how God said he will make Adam a companion comparable to him and not a companion that would be just like him, or one of his kind. Adam spent the first weeks, months, possibly even years of his life with nothing but animals to keep him company. Can you imagine living your life with only animals? We have a dog named Brooke Shields and since Sydni and I don’t have any kids yet we probably treat her too much like she’s our child. She isn’t living with us right now but when she did it was so fun when we would get home from work and she would get so excited to see us that she would make all these weird noises and couldn’t contain herself or her bladder. Coming home to a dog will always beat coming home to an empty house, even if you have to wipe up the dog’s pee every time. However, my relationship with my dog is pretty limited. It’s hard to share life’s meaningful moments with something that only wants her belly rubbed or wants to play tug with a sock. You can only share the things that really matter with someone of your own kind.

Genesis 2:20 “...but he didn’t find a suitable companion.”

From Adam’s rib, not from the dirt in which Adam was formed, God created woman. When Adam saw her he said, “Finally! Bone of my bone flesh of my flesh; she was made from man.” It’s hard to imagine the excitement Adam must have felt when he woke up to find someone that was one of his kind, a woman. (Probably pretty similar to the excitement Brooke Shields feels when we come home and she pees). The moment Adam laid his eyes on Eve he knew she was made from him and for him. That moment put Adam’s deepest desire, of longing for companionship, temporarily at peace. You have to remember while you are reading this story of Adam and Eve you’re not reading a story about Adam and Eve or a story about you or me. This story is ultimately about Jesus, and this story gives us a glimpse at His longing for us to become a suitable companion for Him. It seems clear to me that there is so much more separating us from our creator than our actions alone. In part two I would like to take a look at how Jesus not only forgave us of our poor decisions but radically changed our entire being into a begotten child of God.
I’m sorry if you were wanting another Sydni blog and you came across this and were disappointed. However, if you made it this far I’m taking it that you’re not completely disappointed