Shaken

There's so much pressure on our little ones. There are so many expectations, there is so much comparing, there is so much stimulation. Will they do well in school? Will they be liked? Will they be good at sports, art, music? Will they make healthy decisions? Will they? Will they?!?

Two years old and it's all ready too much. A friend of mine and I were chatting about these pressures the other night and discussing how all this pressure is proving in this generation to produce more children than ever before who are so set on achieving, that they naturally push others down to reach the top. Empathy is dying. Love for our neighbor is being overcome by love for ourselves. And the outcome is not lovely.

"But how do we teach them empathy?" she said. 

What a crucial question among so many other questions. It's a question that brings tears to my eyes. It's a question about love.

Only by example. I'm convinced that there is absolutely no other way to "teach" empathy than to show it by living it. Not sometimes, not only when it comes easy with those who are easy, but just as my dear friend Jesus said, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...and...You shall love your neighbor as yourself." It's a command. THE command, if you will.

And I look to my savior's example. God's very own example. Jesus led his disciples by his example. "Come, follow me, " he said. Not, "come and sit down and listen to me tell you how to live, to be liked, to be better versions of yourself." But "STOP doing what you're doing, leave everything else behind, and follow me." His disciples watched. They listened. They ate with him, drank with him. They served with him They came alongside him and participated with him. He lived out what's truly important. He followed his own command. He showed us what love is. He showed us who God is. He showed us who God created us to be. He showed us what love means. And a lot of people didn't like it. A lot of people felt threatened by it. But he didn't stop loving and he lived it out to the point of a shameful, terrible, and unspeakably painful death. (But you can only try to punish perfection. Perfect love cannot be consumed by death. So I'm so thankful that wasn't the end of his story!)

Which is why we get the chance to continue living out his story. We get the chance to obey his command.

We get the chance to "teach" it to our children and our neighbors and anyone who cares to know. But it won't work to say to them, "come and sit down and listen to me tell you how to live, to be liked, to be better versions of yourself." But "STOP doing what you're doing, leave everything else behind, and follow me as I show you who I follow." We get a chance to live out what's truly important!

However, in thinking about all of this I began pouring my life into the Great Heavenly Sifter. (That is not in the Bible, so don't bother looking it up because I just made it up, but I imagine it's a sifter that God himself is holding.) Please forgive me as I speak in metaphor. I'm ridiculous. I imagine that everything in my life that's holding me back from following Jesus' example as sand. So much is lost in it, covered by it. I have begun to pour my life, sand and all, in this sifter and am allowing God to shake me. As he does, His priorities are beginning to rise to the surface. The sand has taken up so much space! And a lot of that sand is my favorite. It's actually not easy and often times painful to let it fall through. Ok, enough with the metaphor. But let's face it. There are lots of things that get in the way. There are a lot of burdens that we carry, "harmless" stuff that holds us back, and many of our priorities hinder us from following Jesus. There was a lot the disciples had to leave behind.

The truth is, without Jesus example, I'm left just grasping at straws trying to do my best. The blind leading the blind. And without letting him shake me, well, I'm just fooling myself in all this sand. 

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.”

Sucker Punch

Do you ever have one of those days where there is just an excited feeling in the depths of your guts? No, I’m not pregnant. But I do feel like there’s new life bubbling within me. No, it’s not gas. 

Anyways…

“God is good.” Something we say, and sometimes really mean, but I guess it’s that, I can feel it. And not the sort of feeling you get when you open a new box of chocolates, endless opportunity, and they’re all there looking so lovely and un-fingerprinted simply waiting. No. Not even the squishy, squashy, giddy feeling you get when you peer into the eyes of a new baby. No, more like the feeling of a fresh gust of perfectly clement, sunshiny wind sweeping over you, closed eyes, deep breath, trees whooshing in your ears and feet solid, steady, held fast on the ground. Yeah, and maybe the feeling is more about the feet than the wind and the sunshine. Ok, maybe I sound like a loon. But I’m getting it.“God is good.” And not because he’s given me an incredible family and beautiful friendships, not because I have the things I need and so much I’ve wanted. No, not because of anything. But just because He is. And it isn't even a feeling. It's a reality. 

A few years ago when things seemed ever changing and unsteady. When I felt tossed around like a boat on angry waters. God said something to me. Not a shout or a whisper, and not into my ears, but into my heart like a sucker punch. The good kind that stuns you for a second but then clears your head. (Not that I've ever had the experience of being punched in a good way, but I can imagine...) This "word" from God wasn’t completely out of nowhere because I was listening…per se. Actually, maybe it was more that I was taking a breath after a long talk at him. I cried. I told him all about the waves and my little boat. He politely let me finish. Then he said, “Sydni, I am the same, yesterday, today and forever.” It might not sound like much to you, but you didn’t hear him say it. It quite literally changed everything for me.
Since that day a few years ago, I’ve pondered that moment we had. That moment when suddenly the waves around me quieted, and my little boat seemed to anchor. And after so many years of jollily saying, “God is good.” I heard my stunned and maybe even a bit fearful voice say, “Who is this God? Even the winds and the waves obey him!” (Matt 8:27) A defining moment. A reality check.
Because it was in that moment that I noticed something. He’s in my boat. No, not that I didn’t know he was there, and not that he hadn’t been there since I can remember. It was more that I had let him sleep while I did all the boat-y stuff until it got to the point of sinking. (I think I need to abandon the whole boat metaphor now because I don’t really have a clue of what people actually do on a boat, i.e., “boat-y stuff”. Guess I’ll “jump ship!” Haha! Wow. Ok…)
So since that day, there have been major storms, so to speak. But something has changed. 

My feet. 

I know we’re back in Loony Town with that one, but stick with me for a second. I can look back and see how I would run to God over and over and over. He was more like someone who I went to for the advice I needed, or the warm hug, or even the sucker punch, but I seemed to somehow find myself “running back to him”. The other thing that changed is who he is to me. He’s Jesus, he's God. Not a story book character or even a great historical figure, but a reality. (This is actually extremely profound. Do you need to re-read it? Or maybe you have to experience it. Yeah, that's probably it.) Anyways when I say "a reality" I don't mean just someone I can sit next to and talk to, but God! It's like this. I knew with my brain and even excitedly shouted to other people when they asked. I knew all about him. Where he liked to eat, who his friends are. I quoted him and wore his Tshirt, but I needed to follow him, obey him, and know him from there. My feet don't have to run back and forth anymore.
It’s funny because it was only too recently that I understood how his disciples, though they had been with him day in and day out through all sorts of miracles and talks, could still say, “show us the Father, and that will be enough for us.” (John 14:8) Before, I couldn’t get passed how ridiculous that was. How could they ask to see God when he was standing right in front of them?!
Now, I get it.

Let me tell you about my week.

Thursday.

*Deep sigh* Why are we here, God? My heart is longing for family. It's raining. Delia is growing so fast, and did I mention it's raining? What are we even doing? Are you sure it's here that we're meant to be? 

I have got to clean this flat. 

You want to nurse? Ok, come here Sweet Baby. ERRRG!

I have got to call about this lip tie! I can't take it anymore. Another plugged duct. Where will the money come from though? What should we do, God? Are you SURE we should be here? Oh, it's raining.

I miss family.

Maybe we shouldn't be here.

Maybe we shouldn't be here? Ugh...

I can't sleep. 

Friday.

"Yes, I need to make an appointment for a lip tie revision." "Thank you, yes, I can pay the deposit!" (Hallelujah, God you provided that! Thank you for our friends who just gave us the money specifically for that!) "It's how much on the day? Blimey!" *deep breath* "Well, actually, let's wait. Thank you. Yes, I'll call back to confirm with the deposit later."

It's raining again. 

God, why are we here? 

Nick, do you know why we're here? Should we be? Maybe not. PRAYING! 

*Load on my shoulders crashes to the floor* 

I really need to clean this flat. 

Seriously? Rain again? 

Not much sleep. Thinking. 

Saturday.

Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done. On earth as it is in Heaven. That sounds so nice. Come on.

Lovely, a bit chilly, going next door to make elderflower cordial with my precious neighbour, 

car ride, Aldeburgh.

"Dog! Ruff Ruff!", "Yes, that's a dog! Ruff Ruff!", burger and chips, "Bird!", "Ok, momma can nurse you.", I can't wait to get this lip tie taken care of! Seaside, stones and precious family, how big the sea is!

Thank you for Nick and Delia! Oh, what a beautiful day. Car ride, sleeping baby.

Rain? Oh well, at least we're inside now. 

Forgive me God. It's not about me. 

Goodnight.

But really. Why are we here?

Can't sleep...that horrible song from middle school, "Should I stay or should I go now...." over and over. and over. 

Sunday. Sun. Son. Music, dancing, ball in the park. I love this place.

But this flat is a mess!

Quiet Sunday night. Sleeping baby. Cup of tea. Nice...Oh crap, I'm meant to do the story for Little Lights (D's playgroup) tomorrow! Jesus Storybook Bible, what have you got for me? *flipping through pages*

Ok God, what story should we tell? 

Oh,  this one has nice pictures! "How to pray" (from Matthew 6). 

"'But it's not because you're so clever, or good, or so important, that God will listen to you. God listens to you because he loves you. Did you know that God is always listening to you? Did you know that God can hear the quietest whisper deep inside your heart, even before you've started to say it? Because God knows exactly what you need even before you ask him,' Jesus told them."

Brilliant, but perhaps not quite right...but maybe another time when I have more prep time. Yes. Brilliant. *flip* "The Singer" (from Matthew 6, 9, and Luke 12). Brilliant! I need a snack. (Oh, Lord, who am I?-I just pronounced 'banana' like a Brit...again.)

"Jesus said, 'you are more important than birds! More important than flowers! The birds and the flowers don't sit and worry about things. And God doesn't want his children to worry either. God loves to look after the birds and the flowers. And he loves to look after you, too.'...'Jesus knew that God would always love and watch over the world he had made-everything in it-birds, flowers, trees, animals, everything! And, most of all, his children." 

Hmmm...I think I ought to read that again.

Rain. Rain. Oh good, the flowers are really loving all this rain. 

Sleep.

Monday.

Little Lights. Storytime. Lovely.

I really need to call and confirm that appointment for D's lip/tongue tie revision. But we don't have enough cash!

Yes, I know You provided the deposit...but...

"Yes, hello, I have the deposit payment ready." Done. Booked. Oh, hello, Uncertainty.

Rain. 

"Did you know that God is always listening to you? Did you know that God can hear the quietest whisper deep inside your heart, even before you've started to say it?"

Rain.

We're here. Somehow. Ugh... 

"you are more important than birds! More important than flowers! The birds and the flowers don't sit and worry about things."

Homemade elderflower cordial with my neighbours. God, thank you for my neighbours. They are really on your heart, and you've put them on mine. God you really know what you're doing don't you. Have you ever tasted anything so lovely?! 

Sleep.

Tuesday.

Stuff. Meeting. Chat. SomeOne says something about Jesus warning the people about doing good things to be seen by others. My ears perk. You know the verse? Your reward will be their praise. If that's what you're seeking, then that is your reward. You've got it. Done. Rewarded. However, if you do good in secret. It's God that will see it, and it's He who will reward you. Right. I wonder where that is in the bible? Game, set, match!...but I don't like tennis. 

Are you serious? They want to raise our rent. And pay what? Admin fees to sign for another year? Seriously? Ugh. Money. I can't believe it's been almost a whole year in this flat. Thank you for providing this flat. I guess you do that. Provide.

Oh, and it's so nice and clean.

SomeOne comes for dinner. Praying! Talking about fasting while eating? Haha. Touché.

More stuff. 

Ok, so seriously, are we really meant to be here? God? We will go, do, stay, whatever you want. Forgive us. It's not about us. 

Stuff.

Sleep. Wake. Sleep. Wake. Sleep. Wake. (the life of a momma) Oh, my poor nipples. It will be so good to get that lip tie taken care of.

Wednesday.

Today. Rain. Meet to read with fellow workers. Today we're going to read Matthew 6. 

*Reading*...are you serious?!...*reading*...this looks familiar...*reading*...Yep, yep, haha yes, ok. Yes. Brilliant. 

Cup of tea. 

LOTS of reasons to stay here. God you are amazing. You really do listen. Ok. *deep breath*

Chat with friends. You want to give us what? For the lip tie revision? Seriously? Oh man. Thank you! 

God? Thank you. Thank you!

Rain. 

Oh, the flowers are starting to open!

Pumpkin Spice Latte

It is another cloudy day and my eyes are failing to open all the way. Autumn is closing in on us and the air seems to whisper, "curl up, go to sleep..." which is very tempting, but God is whispering something quite different to my heart.

Last Sunday, Nick stayed in to play with Delia while I went to Starbucks to enjoy a Pumpkin Spice Latte with God. After taking my first sip (utter delight!) and opening my journal and my Bible I suddenly realized that I had no plan for what I was going to read. Normally, I have some sort of guide or passage that I'm going to study and pray through, but today, nothing. So I looked across the table at the empty seat and sighed. "Ok God," I wrote in my journal, "I'm expecting you to speak to me through scripture, but you're also going to have to give me the scripture you want me to read."

Sometimes, in moments like this, I'm tempted to let the pages of The Good Book fall open and say, "This must be what you want me to read, God." But not today. It felt cheap to waste such a lovely moment filled with Pumpkin Spice. "I'll just sit here and drink my latte and wait for you. Ok?"

I stared around me at the people of Starbucks. The 2ish year old that kept passing by with her lollipop of marshmallows covered in white chocolate and sprinkles. The tired mother that followed her asking, "Do you really need to go to the toilet this time?" She must not have been sure, because she went by 2 more times as I waited for God to say something. Oh, lovely latte. Pumpkin anything is VERY rare here. The P.S. latte at Starbucks was introduced for the first time here last year as a trial. It turns out (Hallelujah) that the U.K. liked it enough to bring it back this year! However, they didn't advertise it at all. I had to go in and ask for it as though it were a black market item.

"My latte is gone, and you haven't given me a scripture yet." I wrote in my journal. And as quick as a cricket, God said clearly, "Psalm 24, 11 and 12" Great! I opened my Bible app (Yes, I have finally entered the age of the iPhone) "beep, bop, boop" there isn't a verse 11 or 12 in Psalm 24. I closed my Bible app. Awesome. "Thanks for nothing, God." Ok, I must have made that up in my head. I'll wait again. Marshmallow Lolli's older brother passes by with his wooden stir stick that has turned into a drumstick on every surface available. He stared at me as he passed. I smiled at him. He stared at me. How very British, I thought.

"Psalm 24, 11 and 12" came quite clearly again. Isn't that the same thing He said a few minutes ago when I thought I heard Him, but I must not have since that doesn't exist!? Opening my Bible app, I found that it was true. Psalm 24 only goes to verse 10. "I'll just read the whole of 24 then. Ok?" Good grief, God, you'd think you'd know your own book to know there isn't a verse 11 or 12 in Psalm 24. The words from verse 7-10 jumped off the page at me.

⁷ Lift up your heads, you gates;
    be lifted up, you ancient doors,
    that the King of glory may come in.
⁸ Who is this King of glory?
    The Lord strong and mighty,
    the Lord mighty in battle.
⁹ Lift up your heads, you gates;
    lift them up, you ancient doors,
    that the King of glory may come in.
¹⁰ Who is he, this King of glory?
    The Lord Almighty—
    he is the King of glory.

"What gates? What ancient doors?" I thought a minute. Well, maybe He means my eyes and heart or something poetic like that.

The night before, on the way home from a friend's birthday dinner, we passed by the ancient Roman wall that encircles Colchester Town Centre. We talked about how amazing it was that it was being built while Paul was still out preaching the good news. We then started talking about how old our home is. It was around before the Star Spangled Banner! That's pretty old for us American folk.

It shouldn't seem too surprising then that upon re-reading these verses, immediately the picture of the front of our house flashed into my mind. ("I know that you gave us our new, old home to use for the building of your kingdom. Father, please show me what to do and how to open our gate and our door to you...") The worn black gate at our entrance and the "ancient" blue door towering behind it...and then the worn silver '11' quietly resting upon our door. "Get to know number 12," He said clearly. I'll give you a second to think about this, (it took me a minute after he said this...)

Are the butterflies going in your stomach as they were and are in mine as I recall this conversation? Psalm 24, 11 and 12.
Needless to say, I went home to see if there was a number 12 in our building. Which there is. So, I made cupcakes and last night we knocked on all the doors of our neighbors introducing ourselves with our sweet offering of friendship. Only 2 of the 4 other flats' doors were answered and I think the man at the top flat who answered initially thought we were some kind of crazy (which my English friends warned me would happen if I did such a crazy thing as to knock on stranger's doors with cupcakes), but then he seemed to realize we're just Americans and that must be why. And I'm quite excited to report that, on Monday, number 12 is coming over.

"Thank you for your many blessings. You ARE God!"

Back, but not unpacked...

Since we returned to Colchester, we've been staying with our good friend, Jess. We are so thankful that she's let us crash into her home and fill it with ourselves and all things Delia. As I look around her living room/dining area (which is not a large space by any means), I see baby socks and a stuffed owl on the coffee table, diaper bag next to the chair, burp cloth on the sofa, car seat by the door, stand and play activity center by the dining table, a diaper changing station/play blanket on the floor sprinkled with toys, stroller in the corner, snot sucker, pacifier and baby lotion on the dining table and Delia's pj's that she wore last night on the bean bag.

Our lives have spilled out all over her house, and she has been gracious enough to allow it. But on August 27th this will change, and Jess will get her house back! We found a home right in the town centre of Colchester. The town centre is where the life of Colchester is. Its beating heart, if you will. When we first moved here almost 3 years ago and people would say they were "going into town" or "meet me in town" or "you'll have to go into town to do that," I would get confused because I thought that being inside Colchester meant that you were already in town. Not the case, the town centre is where it all happens, and God is giving us a home within it. (Well actually, if you want to be super technical, it's about 3 steps outside of it. :)

When we first returned, we thought we knew where we were going to live. A friend of ours had been planning on moving out of the country for a few years and offered to rent her house out to us. We were very excited about this. Our plans of a house church and Alpha courses seemed perfect for the space her house offered. However, this fell through as they decided that moving wasn't right for them at this time. So, we went on the hunt for the future Brooke home. We prayed that God would direct us to the place of his choice and not too long into our hunt we were directed by the "letting agent" to a place on East Hill. We hadn't planned on looking at this place as it's out of our price range, but the letting agent said to view it, and if we like it to make an offer. "You don't know if you don't ask." So we viewed it and it was absolutely perfect! The kitchen and living room area are absolutely perfect for a house church and Alpha courses! The location is unbelievable, and it has everything we need! (except for furniture. So a thrifting we will go.) After looking at several more places we realized quite clearly that we needed to make our offer on the place on East Hill. We made our offer with bated breath and a prayer-as well as the prayers of all our friends. The call came back very quickly with a positive reaction. We got it!
It was then that we began wondering what our new place's past was. After seeing it, we noticed the front of the building has a plaque of a shepherd with a sheep. A friend was able to find the history, and it turns out that it used to be a refuge for women and children called "The House of the Good Shepherd". Can you believe that our new home has Jesus on the front!? Unbelievable.

So anyways, God is good and he's provided perfectly as he always does. We can't wait to move in, and begin settling into the first home of our own we've had since we left Colchester 10 months ago. Jess will get her house back and will no longer be woken up by Delia's midnight rants about the frustrations of an almost 6 month old.

Anyone have a spare couch?

We're baaaack...

Before we left, our family on Nick's side threw us a going away party complete with a large cake! Which was delicious by the way, and I've been jonesing for some more cake ever since. The cake is pictured above, and I have to share it with you because I think you'll find it interesting, as we did, that England and Alaska are sometimes considered to be the very same place.
We are already missing our family very much but are so glad to be home.

Yes, we're back in Colchester, England. When we got here we immediately noticed something very strange, and we initially thought we had gotten off the plane in the wrong country. But it turns out that the strange thing is only just the hot and shining sun and we are, in fact, in the correct place. Something happened to the weather while we were gone, and we haven't seen rain nor clouds since we got here a week and a half ago. So, we immediately went out and got 2 fans, and we're now sporting slight sunburns.

Nick spent last week in Birmingham starting his MA in Missional Leadership. After a week of classes from dawn 'til dusk, he attended a days long conference put on by Alan Hirsch on Saturday. He even got to eat lunch with Alan. Needless to say, he came home buzzing with thoughts and excitement about what God is up to in England.

Delia and I have been meeting up with old friends and figuring out what Colchester is like for a nursing mummy with a buggy (or a stroller) and no car. We've also accomplished somewhat of a sleep schedule and have spent a lot of time outdoors. We even got the opportunity to go to the zoo with some friends! Though I was much more excited about the animals than she was. Delia is enjoying meeting all the new people in her life, and I'm thanking God for the happy, social baby He's given us.

Tomorrow, we're meeting with our friend who will be renting out her home to us while she's out of the country for a couple of years. Right now, we're staying with our friend, Jess. We're very thankful for her letting us stay with her, and Delia is happy to finally meet her Auntie Jess. However, we are very much looking forward to moving into our house next month! It will be the first time we've lived alone as a family since we left Colchester 8 months ago!

Well, I'll keep this short and sweet since Delia is taking a nap and that doesn't usually last very long.
But first I want to share this verse from Isaiah that has been ringing in my head as Delia and I have been walking around Colchester.

"For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands." (55:12)

We're looking forward to the plans He as for us and for the U.K. in these next years.

Believing is seeing... (from April 9, 2012)

Happy Easter! What a beautiful cold, cloudy, and rainy day yesterday was!
We got to celebrate and share in the baptisms of 5 friends. As one of them told her story before going into the water, God whispered...no, that isn’t the right term. God shouted at me (that’s better) through her words.
Remember in John 14 when 5 Thomas said to Jesus, “Lord, we do not know where you are going; so how can we know the way to get there?”
6 Jesus answered him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one goes to the Father except by me.7 Now that you have known me,” he said to them, “you will know my Father also, and from now on you do know him and you have seen him.”
8 Philip said to him, “Lord, show us the Father; that is all we need.”
I listened as my friend spoke the truth about her life including pain, loneliness and unforgiveness, as well as her meeting Jesus only months ago. She proclaimed the huge change that is taking place in her heart because of Jesus. How healing and love, forgiveness and hope are replacing those previous feelings of brokenness. I sat there humbled as God brought to my memory many friends I’ve recently had the privilege of seeing God transforming for the best. 

Right after Jesus says to Philip (basically), “You know me! You’ve spent all this time with me.  You’ve seen me perform miracles, you’ve heard me speak only Truth, you’ve gone on this great journey with me and have experienced my love. You know me, therefore, you know God and have seen him!” Philip says, “Lord, show us God. Then we can know for sure.” I always read this and think, Seriously Philip? Were you listening at all?! Oh Philip, you’re so slow. Poor, silly Philip.
[Insert great big sigh] I am so much like Philip. I say it too, and often. “God! Show me God so that I can believe.”
As I listened to my friend, and as God reminded me of person after person after person I’ve gotten to watch meet Jesus, get to know him, and literally see God transforming them for the best, I was greatly humbled. “Open your eyes, Sydni,” He seemed to be saying.
God never stops working. When we miss him, it’s only because we aren’t looking.