Identity Reality. A Poem...or something.

Like an unborn baby in the womb, O God, so is your quickening in my spirit. A delight. Unspeakable, but certain.

An unnamed passion that grips my vocal cords, filling my life with untrembled song.
Muscles loosen as a winding stream meets a mighty river.

Your presence, though with the depth of rich, dark chocolate on the tongue. A satisfaction so pure no need is left.
Complete.

But as gaze shifts, reality hits. Waves crash around my feet. I fall.
Fog abounds and surrounds a perfect melody. Discord enters blowing his awful trumpet.

I search for you in the noise of my mind. My humanity. My untamed thoughts tangle in front of your face.
The Earth screams. She battles herself. Tears of joy and laughter, of sorrow and pain.

You remain. Though scarred by her war, you are solid. Unmatched in your strength.

My heart, as it beats within my chest, is your grace consumed with each breath. Gasping but involuntary.

But as sudden as sun, piercing through cloud and chill, brings a shudder through to my soles. My eyes squint and cower. The brightest light.

Your voice. A quiet so deafeningly, comforting.
In a place of confusion, desperation, and loneliness you are the grasp of a mother's steady hand.

Moved. Removed. Planted in stone like an ancient tree, deeply rooted.

Your words drive through my reality like a sharpened blade.

Dividing what is told by what is known. Not 'known' as a passing leaf from a tree, slowly dying.
But declared like a meteorite passing through space, through time.

The identity reality. Where unknown becomes Known.

Let's talk about Luke 18.

As many of you know- Jo, Erika and I meet together as a group of 3 in an aim to keeping each other accountable to spending quiet time alone with Jesus each week. A few weeks ago our reading was Luke 18. As usual I invited Jesus to speak through his word and as I read through it, I started to get the feeling that he wasn't going to say much. Same old stories, different day. It seems I'm always wrong when I feel this way, but none-the-less the feeling comes often. As I got to the end, the story came up where Jesus gives sight to a blind beggar. (verses 35-43)

"As he drew near to Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. And hearing a crowd going by, he enquired what this meant. They told him, “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.” And he cried out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” And those who were in front rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” And Jesus stopped and commanded him to be brought to him. And when he came near, he asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?” He said, “Lord, let me recover my sight.” And Jesus said to him, “Recover your sight; your faith has made you well.” And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him, glorifying God. And all the people, when they saw it, gave praise to God."

It was as I read this that I had an “Ah-hah” moment. I realized suddenly something about this man’s faith. It wasn’t misplaced. It wasn’t his faith that Jesus could make him well that did it, but more his faith that Jesus was the Son of God-or at the very least, sent by God. The beggar said, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” and “Lord, recover my sight!” By these 2 statements it’s clear he believed Jesus was sent by the one true God of David, and that he was putting Jesus into the status of his “Lord”. It was faith in Jesus’ identity over his faith in Jesus’ ability. Though he was blind, he saw Jesus for who he was, and because of that was able to see a different reality. He was able to see the Kingdom of God. A blind man recognized Jesus, and that was enough for his eyes to be opened.

After this “Ah-hah” moment, I re-read Luke 18 and Jesus pulled a veil off of it for me. I saw clearly how Jesus was illustrating this ‘Identity Reality’ over and over again. If our faith isn’t in Jesus’ true identity then we’re still blind to him. We’ll never see his Kingdom and much less ever be able to enter it.

As this thought has been congealing in my mind, I have been forced to examine my own faith in Jesus. Which often times boils down to an ugly truth, as it isn’t faith in Him at all, but faith in myself. Faith in who I think I am as a Christian.
So, let’s go back to verses 9-14. 

"He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’  But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.'"

Here we see two men praying: A “good guy” and a “bad guy”. The first is a man of great moral standing. He’s very obedient to God’s word and careful about the decisions he makes. The other man is of terrible moral character. He is a total mess and has done wrong by many people. Now let’s think about where their faith lies as revealed by their prayers. The "good guy" has faith in himself and what he’s doing right. That’s not hard to see. Therefore, his faith is nothing more than conceit and has nothing to do with God at all. So he’s essentially standing alone in a room talking to himself. But the "bad guy" has made himself a puddle on the floor with no regard for himself at all. “God, be merciful to me, a sinner.” He is not standing alone at all, but at the feet of a savior. He’s regarding himself as nothing and desperately calling on God. To this, Jesus says, “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.” To this I ask, “Exalted how? Only Jesus himself is exalted right?" Then I remember Jesus' prayer in John 17, ”that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.”

Another thing I’m finding as I examine my faith is it’s much easier for me to have faith in Jesus’ ability, like a super-hero, than have faith in him being the God of the Universe and Creator of everything, alive and very very…sometimes painfully, real. He’s not just a nice story.
Let’s move on to verses 18-30.

"And a ruler asked him, 'Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?'And Jesus said to him, 'Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone. (v20) You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery, Do not murder, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour your father and mother.’' And he said, 'All these I have kept from my youth.' When Jesus heard this, he said to him, 'One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.' But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich. Jesus, seeing that he had become sad, said, 'How difficult it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God! For it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.' Those who heard it said, 'Then who can be saved?' But he said, 'What is impossible with men is possible with God.' And Peter said, 'See, we have left our homes and followed you.' And he said to them, 'Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who will not receive many times more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life.'"

Like the Pharisee in the last story, I think the Rich Ruler is desperately hoping that his own actions can save him. His obedience, His own identity. It seems to me that he’s hoping desperately for this, even though he knows in his core that there’s something missing. It’s almost as though Jesus is pandering to him in verse 20. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but maybe it’s because I can identify, in part, with this poor man. Can you identify? Doing all you can, having very practical faith, obeying commands, but ignoring the heart. It’s in our heart, our core, that Jesus sees. That’s where our actual identity lies, our life or our impending death. This is where Jesus’ ‘Identity Reality’ gets a little more painfully real for me. Jesus “brings the sword” so to speak. He cuts through to this young man’s identity. Morality, hard work-perhaps? Sparkling and abundant, riches. Jesus shows this man his identity and calls him to give it up and allow Jesus to carve it out of him, completely and totally, only to replace it with “Follower of Jesus.” ((Have you ever read Voyage of the Dawn Treader? Where Eustace becomes a dragon and then goes through the absolute painful process of Aslan removing his dragon skin? This is kind of like that.))
But the Rich Ruler can’t let go of who he is, and it keeps him from seeing who Jesus truly is. His own identity, who he’s worked so hard to become and who he strives to be, blocks him from seeing Jesus. So he chooses to walk away from Jesus, thus walking away from the Kingdom of God. The Rich Ruler leaves sad, no, he leaves VERY sad because now he knows there’s something he lacks, but he believes that it requires too much for him to let go of. It requires losing his identity.

I read a few weeks ago about a famous study that proved a healthy baby’s cognitive development doesn’t reach the awareness of separation from its mother until about seven months. So, a tiny infant doesn’t even know that it is a separate person from its Mother! We're actually seeing the evidence of this with E at the moment. He has started, for the first time in his life, to get truly upset when I leave his sight. Now, with that in mind, let’s read verses 15-17. 

"Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, 'Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.'"

Jesus knows that a baby, in itself, has no identity except that of its mother. They are absolutely incapable of faith in their own ability because they are unaware of being “their own” so to speak. So what does this reality say about Jesus’ identity and our relation to him as his followers? Or In what way must we become like infants to enter His Kingdom?

Perhaps drawing on the beginning of this chapter will help us answer this question. Jesus is directing this parable to his disciples. Those who, unlike the rich ruler, have left their identities and everything that made them who they are behind to follow him. (Verses 2-8)

"And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. He said, 'In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, ‘Give me justice against my adversary.’ For a while he refused, but afterwards he said to himself, ‘Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.’' And the Lord said, 'Hear what the unrighteous judge says. And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?'”

Identity seems of utmost importance in this parable. The main character is a widow. At the time this was spoken, a widow would have been of the lowest standing in the social order. She is someone without status or importance. He's making a clear point. Then there’s the Judge, a man who had no respect for God and couldn’t care less about any person especially a widow. Jesus then does a flippity-flop. He says, “Will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily.” In saying this, Jesus reveals to his disciples their identity as his followers. They are the elect of God. A stark contrast to the widow! (Not to mention God being of opposie character to the judge!) What does this say about me and you? I hope this challenges your misplaced faith like it has mine.

Ok, so let’s finish with the beginning of my ramble. Let’s go back to the blind man who’s faith gave him sight. The blind man had faith in Jesus’ identity. Others around him tried to quiet him as he proclaimed that faith, but he had nothing to lose and out of his mouth his heart spoke, no, yelled! Jesus saw his heart and that faithful heart unlocked the Kingdom of God. His healing only caused him to glorify God as he began following Jesus. A new creation. With his wholehearted faith in Jesus’ identity he was given a new identity and with that new identity, when “all the people saw it, [they too] gave praise to God.”

I am greatly encouraged by this. Not only are we given opportunity to truly see Jesus if we let go of ourselves, but in seeing him we’re given a new identity, his own status, thus allowing us to enter his Kingdom. The elite and exalted. The light and the salt. And as his light and salt, others will see him and recognize him and will be given opportunity to enter his kingdom. I am also greatly challenged by this as I must leave my identity behind every day. I must have faith in who Jesus truly is and follow him.

Shaken

There's so much pressure on our little ones. There are so many expectations, there is so much comparing, there is so much stimulation. Will they do well in school? Will they be liked? Will they be good at sports, art, music? Will they make healthy decisions? Will they? Will they?!?

Two years old and it's all ready too much. A friend of mine and I were chatting about these pressures the other night and discussing how all this pressure is proving in this generation to produce more children than ever before who are so set on achieving, that they naturally push others down to reach the top. Empathy is dying. Love for our neighbor is being overcome by love for ourselves. And the outcome is not lovely.

"But how do we teach them empathy?" she said. 

What a crucial question among so many other questions. It's a question that brings tears to my eyes. It's a question about love.

Only by example. I'm convinced that there is absolutely no other way to "teach" empathy than to show it by living it. Not sometimes, not only when it comes easy with those who are easy, but just as my dear friend Jesus said, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...and...You shall love your neighbor as yourself." It's a command. THE command, if you will.

And I look to my savior's example. God's very own example. Jesus led his disciples by his example. "Come, follow me, " he said. Not, "come and sit down and listen to me tell you how to live, to be liked, to be better versions of yourself." But "STOP doing what you're doing, leave everything else behind, and follow me." His disciples watched. They listened. They ate with him, drank with him. They served with him They came alongside him and participated with him. He lived out what's truly important. He followed his own command. He showed us what love is. He showed us who God is. He showed us who God created us to be. He showed us what love means. And a lot of people didn't like it. A lot of people felt threatened by it. But he didn't stop loving and he lived it out to the point of a shameful, terrible, and unspeakably painful death. (But you can only try to punish perfection. Perfect love cannot be consumed by death. So I'm so thankful that wasn't the end of his story!)

Which is why we get the chance to continue living out his story. We get the chance to obey his command.

We get the chance to "teach" it to our children and our neighbors and anyone who cares to know. But it won't work to say to them, "come and sit down and listen to me tell you how to live, to be liked, to be better versions of yourself." But "STOP doing what you're doing, leave everything else behind, and follow me as I show you who I follow." We get a chance to live out what's truly important!

However, in thinking about all of this I began pouring my life into the Great Heavenly Sifter. (That is not in the Bible, so don't bother looking it up because I just made it up, but I imagine it's a sifter that God himself is holding.) Please forgive me as I speak in metaphor. I'm ridiculous. I imagine that everything in my life that's holding me back from following Jesus' example as sand. So much is lost in it, covered by it. I have begun to pour my life, sand and all, in this sifter and am allowing God to shake me. As he does, His priorities are beginning to rise to the surface. The sand has taken up so much space! And a lot of that sand is my favorite. It's actually not easy and often times painful to let it fall through. Ok, enough with the metaphor. But let's face it. There are lots of things that get in the way. There are a lot of burdens that we carry, "harmless" stuff that holds us back, and many of our priorities hinder us from following Jesus. There was a lot the disciples had to leave behind.

The truth is, without Jesus example, I'm left just grasping at straws trying to do my best. The blind leading the blind. And without letting him shake me, well, I'm just fooling myself in all this sand. 

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.”

Sucker Punch

Do you ever have one of those days where there is just an excited feeling in the depths of your guts? No, I’m not pregnant. But I do feel like there’s new life bubbling within me. No, it’s not gas. 

Anyways…

“God is good.” Something we say, and sometimes really mean, but I guess it’s that, I can feel it. And not the sort of feeling you get when you open a new box of chocolates, endless opportunity, and they’re all there looking so lovely and un-fingerprinted simply waiting. No. Not even the squishy, squashy, giddy feeling you get when you peer into the eyes of a new baby. No, more like the feeling of a fresh gust of perfectly clement, sunshiny wind sweeping over you, closed eyes, deep breath, trees whooshing in your ears and feet solid, steady, held fast on the ground. Yeah, and maybe the feeling is more about the feet than the wind and the sunshine. Ok, maybe I sound like a loon. But I’m getting it.“God is good.” And not because he’s given me an incredible family and beautiful friendships, not because I have the things I need and so much I’ve wanted. No, not because of anything. But just because He is. And it isn't even a feeling. It's a reality. 

A few years ago when things seemed ever changing and unsteady. When I felt tossed around like a boat on angry waters. God said something to me. Not a shout or a whisper, and not into my ears, but into my heart like a sucker punch. The good kind that stuns you for a second but then clears your head. (Not that I've ever had the experience of being punched in a good way, but I can imagine...) This "word" from God wasn’t completely out of nowhere because I was listening…per se. Actually, maybe it was more that I was taking a breath after a long talk at him. I cried. I told him all about the waves and my little boat. He politely let me finish. Then he said, “Sydni, I am the same, yesterday, today and forever.” It might not sound like much to you, but you didn’t hear him say it. It quite literally changed everything for me.
Since that day a few years ago, I’ve pondered that moment we had. That moment when suddenly the waves around me quieted, and my little boat seemed to anchor. And after so many years of jollily saying, “God is good.” I heard my stunned and maybe even a bit fearful voice say, “Who is this God? Even the winds and the waves obey him!” (Matt 8:27) A defining moment. A reality check.
Because it was in that moment that I noticed something. He’s in my boat. No, not that I didn’t know he was there, and not that he hadn’t been there since I can remember. It was more that I had let him sleep while I did all the boat-y stuff until it got to the point of sinking. (I think I need to abandon the whole boat metaphor now because I don’t really have a clue of what people actually do on a boat, i.e., “boat-y stuff”. Guess I’ll “jump ship!” Haha! Wow. Ok…)
So since that day, there have been major storms, so to speak. But something has changed. 

My feet. 

I know we’re back in Loony Town with that one, but stick with me for a second. I can look back and see how I would run to God over and over and over. He was more like someone who I went to for the advice I needed, or the warm hug, or even the sucker punch, but I seemed to somehow find myself “running back to him”. The other thing that changed is who he is to me. He’s Jesus, he's God. Not a story book character or even a great historical figure, but a reality. (This is actually extremely profound. Do you need to re-read it? Or maybe you have to experience it. Yeah, that's probably it.) Anyways when I say "a reality" I don't mean just someone I can sit next to and talk to, but God! It's like this. I knew with my brain and even excitedly shouted to other people when they asked. I knew all about him. Where he liked to eat, who his friends are. I quoted him and wore his Tshirt, but I needed to follow him, obey him, and know him from there. My feet don't have to run back and forth anymore.
It’s funny because it was only too recently that I understood how his disciples, though they had been with him day in and day out through all sorts of miracles and talks, could still say, “show us the Father, and that will be enough for us.” (John 14:8) Before, I couldn’t get passed how ridiculous that was. How could they ask to see God when he was standing right in front of them?!
Now, I get it.

Let me tell you about my week.

Thursday.

*Deep sigh* Why are we here, God? My heart is longing for family. It's raining. Delia is growing so fast, and did I mention it's raining? What are we even doing? Are you sure it's here that we're meant to be? 

I have got to clean this flat. 

You want to nurse? Ok, come here Sweet Baby. ERRRG!

I have got to call about this lip tie! I can't take it anymore. Another plugged duct. Where will the money come from though? What should we do, God? Are you SURE we should be here? Oh, it's raining.

I miss family.

Maybe we shouldn't be here.

Maybe we shouldn't be here? Ugh...

I can't sleep. 

Friday.

"Yes, I need to make an appointment for a lip tie revision." "Thank you, yes, I can pay the deposit!" (Hallelujah, God you provided that! Thank you for our friends who just gave us the money specifically for that!) "It's how much on the day? Blimey!" *deep breath* "Well, actually, let's wait. Thank you. Yes, I'll call back to confirm with the deposit later."

It's raining again. 

God, why are we here? 

Nick, do you know why we're here? Should we be? Maybe not. PRAYING! 

*Load on my shoulders crashes to the floor* 

I really need to clean this flat. 

Seriously? Rain again? 

Not much sleep. Thinking. 

Saturday.

Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done. On earth as it is in Heaven. That sounds so nice. Come on.

Lovely, a bit chilly, going next door to make elderflower cordial with my precious neighbour, 

car ride, Aldeburgh.

"Dog! Ruff Ruff!", "Yes, that's a dog! Ruff Ruff!", burger and chips, "Bird!", "Ok, momma can nurse you.", I can't wait to get this lip tie taken care of! Seaside, stones and precious family, how big the sea is!

Thank you for Nick and Delia! Oh, what a beautiful day. Car ride, sleeping baby.

Rain? Oh well, at least we're inside now. 

Forgive me God. It's not about me. 

Goodnight.

But really. Why are we here?

Can't sleep...that horrible song from middle school, "Should I stay or should I go now...." over and over. and over. 

Sunday. Sun. Son. Music, dancing, ball in the park. I love this place.

But this flat is a mess!

Quiet Sunday night. Sleeping baby. Cup of tea. Nice...Oh crap, I'm meant to do the story for Little Lights (D's playgroup) tomorrow! Jesus Storybook Bible, what have you got for me? *flipping through pages*

Ok God, what story should we tell? 

Oh,  this one has nice pictures! "How to pray" (from Matthew 6). 

"'But it's not because you're so clever, or good, or so important, that God will listen to you. God listens to you because he loves you. Did you know that God is always listening to you? Did you know that God can hear the quietest whisper deep inside your heart, even before you've started to say it? Because God knows exactly what you need even before you ask him,' Jesus told them."

Brilliant, but perhaps not quite right...but maybe another time when I have more prep time. Yes. Brilliant. *flip* "The Singer" (from Matthew 6, 9, and Luke 12). Brilliant! I need a snack. (Oh, Lord, who am I?-I just pronounced 'banana' like a Brit...again.)

"Jesus said, 'you are more important than birds! More important than flowers! The birds and the flowers don't sit and worry about things. And God doesn't want his children to worry either. God loves to look after the birds and the flowers. And he loves to look after you, too.'...'Jesus knew that God would always love and watch over the world he had made-everything in it-birds, flowers, trees, animals, everything! And, most of all, his children." 

Hmmm...I think I ought to read that again.

Rain. Rain. Oh good, the flowers are really loving all this rain. 

Sleep.

Monday.

Little Lights. Storytime. Lovely.

I really need to call and confirm that appointment for D's lip/tongue tie revision. But we don't have enough cash!

Yes, I know You provided the deposit...but...

"Yes, hello, I have the deposit payment ready." Done. Booked. Oh, hello, Uncertainty.

Rain. 

"Did you know that God is always listening to you? Did you know that God can hear the quietest whisper deep inside your heart, even before you've started to say it?"

Rain.

We're here. Somehow. Ugh... 

"you are more important than birds! More important than flowers! The birds and the flowers don't sit and worry about things."

Homemade elderflower cordial with my neighbours. God, thank you for my neighbours. They are really on your heart, and you've put them on mine. God you really know what you're doing don't you. Have you ever tasted anything so lovely?! 

Sleep.

Tuesday.

Stuff. Meeting. Chat. SomeOne says something about Jesus warning the people about doing good things to be seen by others. My ears perk. You know the verse? Your reward will be their praise. If that's what you're seeking, then that is your reward. You've got it. Done. Rewarded. However, if you do good in secret. It's God that will see it, and it's He who will reward you. Right. I wonder where that is in the bible? Game, set, match!...but I don't like tennis. 

Are you serious? They want to raise our rent. And pay what? Admin fees to sign for another year? Seriously? Ugh. Money. I can't believe it's been almost a whole year in this flat. Thank you for providing this flat. I guess you do that. Provide.

Oh, and it's so nice and clean.

SomeOne comes for dinner. Praying! Talking about fasting while eating? Haha. Touché.

More stuff. 

Ok, so seriously, are we really meant to be here? God? We will go, do, stay, whatever you want. Forgive us. It's not about us. 

Stuff.

Sleep. Wake. Sleep. Wake. Sleep. Wake. (the life of a momma) Oh, my poor nipples. It will be so good to get that lip tie taken care of.

Wednesday.

Today. Rain. Meet to read with fellow workers. Today we're going to read Matthew 6. 

*Reading*...are you serious?!...*reading*...this looks familiar...*reading*...Yep, yep, haha yes, ok. Yes. Brilliant. 

Cup of tea. 

LOTS of reasons to stay here. God you are amazing. You really do listen. Ok. *deep breath*

Chat with friends. You want to give us what? For the lip tie revision? Seriously? Oh man. Thank you! 

God? Thank you. Thank you!

Rain. 

Oh, the flowers are starting to open!

Pumpkin Spice Latte

It is another cloudy day and my eyes are failing to open all the way. Autumn is closing in on us and the air seems to whisper, "curl up, go to sleep..." which is very tempting, but God is whispering something quite different to my heart.

Last Sunday, Nick stayed in to play with Delia while I went to Starbucks to enjoy a Pumpkin Spice Latte with God. After taking my first sip (utter delight!) and opening my journal and my Bible I suddenly realized that I had no plan for what I was going to read. Normally, I have some sort of guide or passage that I'm going to study and pray through, but today, nothing. So I looked across the table at the empty seat and sighed. "Ok God," I wrote in my journal, "I'm expecting you to speak to me through scripture, but you're also going to have to give me the scripture you want me to read."

Sometimes, in moments like this, I'm tempted to let the pages of The Good Book fall open and say, "This must be what you want me to read, God." But not today. It felt cheap to waste such a lovely moment filled with Pumpkin Spice. "I'll just sit here and drink my latte and wait for you. Ok?"

I stared around me at the people of Starbucks. The 2ish year old that kept passing by with her lollipop of marshmallows covered in white chocolate and sprinkles. The tired mother that followed her asking, "Do you really need to go to the toilet this time?" She must not have been sure, because she went by 2 more times as I waited for God to say something. Oh, lovely latte. Pumpkin anything is VERY rare here. The P.S. latte at Starbucks was introduced for the first time here last year as a trial. It turns out (Hallelujah) that the U.K. liked it enough to bring it back this year! However, they didn't advertise it at all. I had to go in and ask for it as though it were a black market item.

"My latte is gone, and you haven't given me a scripture yet." I wrote in my journal. And as quick as a cricket, God said clearly, "Psalm 24, 11 and 12" Great! I opened my Bible app (Yes, I have finally entered the age of the iPhone) "beep, bop, boop" there isn't a verse 11 or 12 in Psalm 24. I closed my Bible app. Awesome. "Thanks for nothing, God." Ok, I must have made that up in my head. I'll wait again. Marshmallow Lolli's older brother passes by with his wooden stir stick that has turned into a drumstick on every surface available. He stared at me as he passed. I smiled at him. He stared at me. How very British, I thought.

"Psalm 24, 11 and 12" came quite clearly again. Isn't that the same thing He said a few minutes ago when I thought I heard Him, but I must not have since that doesn't exist!? Opening my Bible app, I found that it was true. Psalm 24 only goes to verse 10. "I'll just read the whole of 24 then. Ok?" Good grief, God, you'd think you'd know your own book to know there isn't a verse 11 or 12 in Psalm 24. The words from verse 7-10 jumped off the page at me.

⁷ Lift up your heads, you gates;
    be lifted up, you ancient doors,
    that the King of glory may come in.
⁸ Who is this King of glory?
    The Lord strong and mighty,
    the Lord mighty in battle.
⁹ Lift up your heads, you gates;
    lift them up, you ancient doors,
    that the King of glory may come in.
¹⁰ Who is he, this King of glory?
    The Lord Almighty—
    he is the King of glory.

"What gates? What ancient doors?" I thought a minute. Well, maybe He means my eyes and heart or something poetic like that.

The night before, on the way home from a friend's birthday dinner, we passed by the ancient Roman wall that encircles Colchester Town Centre. We talked about how amazing it was that it was being built while Paul was still out preaching the good news. We then started talking about how old our home is. It was around before the Star Spangled Banner! That's pretty old for us American folk.

It shouldn't seem too surprising then that upon re-reading these verses, immediately the picture of the front of our house flashed into my mind. ("I know that you gave us our new, old home to use for the building of your kingdom. Father, please show me what to do and how to open our gate and our door to you...") The worn black gate at our entrance and the "ancient" blue door towering behind it...and then the worn silver '11' quietly resting upon our door. "Get to know number 12," He said clearly. I'll give you a second to think about this, (it took me a minute after he said this...)

Are the butterflies going in your stomach as they were and are in mine as I recall this conversation? Psalm 24, 11 and 12.
Needless to say, I went home to see if there was a number 12 in our building. Which there is. So, I made cupcakes and last night we knocked on all the doors of our neighbors introducing ourselves with our sweet offering of friendship. Only 2 of the 4 other flats' doors were answered and I think the man at the top flat who answered initially thought we were some kind of crazy (which my English friends warned me would happen if I did such a crazy thing as to knock on stranger's doors with cupcakes), but then he seemed to realize we're just Americans and that must be why. And I'm quite excited to report that, on Monday, number 12 is coming over.

"Thank you for your many blessings. You ARE God!"

Back, but not unpacked...

Since we returned to Colchester, we've been staying with our good friend, Jess. We are so thankful that she's let us crash into her home and fill it with ourselves and all things Delia. As I look around her living room/dining area (which is not a large space by any means), I see baby socks and a stuffed owl on the coffee table, diaper bag next to the chair, burp cloth on the sofa, car seat by the door, stand and play activity center by the dining table, a diaper changing station/play blanket on the floor sprinkled with toys, stroller in the corner, snot sucker, pacifier and baby lotion on the dining table and Delia's pj's that she wore last night on the bean bag.

Our lives have spilled out all over her house, and she has been gracious enough to allow it. But on August 27th this will change, and Jess will get her house back! We found a home right in the town centre of Colchester. The town centre is where the life of Colchester is. Its beating heart, if you will. When we first moved here almost 3 years ago and people would say they were "going into town" or "meet me in town" or "you'll have to go into town to do that," I would get confused because I thought that being inside Colchester meant that you were already in town. Not the case, the town centre is where it all happens, and God is giving us a home within it. (Well actually, if you want to be super technical, it's about 3 steps outside of it. :)

When we first returned, we thought we knew where we were going to live. A friend of ours had been planning on moving out of the country for a few years and offered to rent her house out to us. We were very excited about this. Our plans of a house church and Alpha courses seemed perfect for the space her house offered. However, this fell through as they decided that moving wasn't right for them at this time. So, we went on the hunt for the future Brooke home. We prayed that God would direct us to the place of his choice and not too long into our hunt we were directed by the "letting agent" to a place on East Hill. We hadn't planned on looking at this place as it's out of our price range, but the letting agent said to view it, and if we like it to make an offer. "You don't know if you don't ask." So we viewed it and it was absolutely perfect! The kitchen and living room area are absolutely perfect for a house church and Alpha courses! The location is unbelievable, and it has everything we need! (except for furniture. So a thrifting we will go.) After looking at several more places we realized quite clearly that we needed to make our offer on the place on East Hill. We made our offer with bated breath and a prayer-as well as the prayers of all our friends. The call came back very quickly with a positive reaction. We got it!
It was then that we began wondering what our new place's past was. After seeing it, we noticed the front of the building has a plaque of a shepherd with a sheep. A friend was able to find the history, and it turns out that it used to be a refuge for women and children called "The House of the Good Shepherd". Can you believe that our new home has Jesus on the front!? Unbelievable.

So anyways, God is good and he's provided perfectly as he always does. We can't wait to move in, and begin settling into the first home of our own we've had since we left Colchester 10 months ago. Jess will get her house back and will no longer be woken up by Delia's midnight rants about the frustrations of an almost 6 month old.

Anyone have a spare couch?